Show Glossary

Listener’s Guide to the – Drew and Mike Show – Glossary

A goes into B until both have had enough – Mike Clark’s philosophy of adult sexual relations, which is so self-explanatory that it is difficult to elaborate upon further and clearly explains the oft-cited lack of sexual interest demonstrated by his wife.

Abian, Alexander Dr. – A professor at the University of Iowa, he is generally accepted as the smartest man to ever be on the show. Developed a theory that proposed blowing up the moon as a method of ridding the Earth of pathogen, disease, and other various ills. Possesses a thick German accent, and is perhaps best known for his utterance of “I will fling you like baby poop.”

Absolutely! – The usual and expected response to the question “Did you drink last night?”

Actual Audio – Uttered whenever audio from another unassociated event is played as if it was recorded at the event being talked about. Usually used to aide in mocking in said event.

Ahhhhhhhssshhole – Drawn out method of pronouncing the word “asshole.” Generally used as a method of circumventing F.C.C. limitations on the number of occasions in which this word can be uttered on the air.

Al – Father of Marc, a morning show co-producer, considered to be some kind of an expert on the Twenty questions game. See “Huh Marc” and “Twenty Questions.”

Alien Hand Syndrome – Actual medical condition that prevents affected individuals from controlling the use of their hand. Blamed for a variety of misdeeds, including murder and excessive masturbation.

Anchor – Term that describes any individual that tends to delay the progress of others. Individuals that write checks for small purchases, use excessive amounts of coupons, or unexpectedly ask others for transportation to or from social gatherings are common examples of this type of character.

Angry Spider – Synonym for the anus. For instance: “That fat bitch Lewinski tongue bathed Clinton’s angry spider.”

Apparently – General term that is used to justify any false or misleading information provided. For instance, one of the hosts may state to someone on the telephone “Apparently we were supposed to have an interview” when indeed no such arrangements had been made. Similar to a negative sign that precedes a bracketed algebraic statement, this word renders all given data as highly suspect if not outright false.

Applegate Syndrome – Named after actress Christina Applegate, this term refers to a phenomena in which young, physically attractive females do not age well and eventually turn into skanks. See “Odometer Turning Over” and “Skank.”

April 21 – Mike Clark’s birthday.

APW – Acronym for Abnormally Pink Weiner. Originates from the assumption that redheaded males have abnormally pink coloured penises. Most often used in reference to David Hall, an employee of Rock Financial, and actor David Caruso

Archie – Former doorman from Detroit that occasionally calls the show with entertaining thoughts and comments. Usually accompanied by the “Everything’s Archie” song.

Armageddon – Word used to communicate the desire to conclude a sexual act. For instance, shouting this word may indicate to the other participant that it is time remove the gerbil from the anal cavity.

Art – An apparently homosexual member of Mike Clark’s extended family who, as legend has it, made a serious of passes on Mike Clark’s father, Dick. One incident involved pushing his head into Dick Clark’s genitals during an apple picking trip and another was a hug that lingered on too long.

Art Backie – Older man from Iron Mountain, Michigan who was featured on a Subway commercial as a testimonial to the weight that possibly might be lost by eating Subway submarine sandwiches. Commercial is notable for the bad sound and often leads Drew to remark “Get on mic, Art”

Ass – Peculiar and unpleasant aroma that is difficult to define specifically, and the source of which is hard to determine or render precise. For instance, “This place smells like ass.”

ATM – Abbreviation for “Ass to mouth”. A sexual activity that needs no further explanation here.

Attic Farts – Flatulence thought to emanate from the upper regions, or “attic” of one’s bowels. Such emissions are generally recognizable by a stale, “dusty” stench that appears to haunt the “fart zone” for extended periods of time. See “Hang Time” and “Death Star Fart.”

Audio Separated at Birth – Invariably, whenever a sound bite of someone’s voice is broadcast, listeners will call and state the name of another individual who sounds similar. A history of this process has revealed an uncanny accuracy rate that would appear to indicate that several of these individuals are related to each other and were indeed separated at birth.

Audio Talent Contest – An interactive game in which listeners call in and try to win prizes by impressing the staff with various audio-related skills, such as voice impersonations, mimicry of vomiting, fart imitations, or other such colorful demonstrations of vocal skill and ability.

August 16 – Trudi’s birthday.

August 25, 1995 – Anniversary of the incident where Mike left a drunken voicemail message requesting free Bowie tickets.

Austin – A passionate fan of Notre Dame football who called into the show to complain about the treatment that he and his elderly parents received during a game against MSU at Spartan Stadium

Baaaaaaattttttcccchhhhh!!! – Catch phrase of Mike while cheering for Detroit Lions quarterback Charlie Batch.

Babe – Mike Clark’s preferred method of referring to male listeners. Thought to be kind of homo.

Babone, Mike – Canadian man that gathered signatures in an attempt to convince Jay Leno to allow him to be on the Tonight Show, and has actually appeared to be on the brink of getting his own cable show. A reference to him is sometimes used as a metaphor for that which is ludicrous.

Back Pressure – Medical condition significantly exacerbated by a saturated and voluminous testicular region. See “Full Bag” and “PSI.”

Backman – Term that describes the individual responsible for clean-up and patrolling activities at video pornography booths. The basic job duties include the removal of discharged spermatozoa from the video screens and booth areas, expulsion of male and female prostitutes, and the banishment of men engaged in homosexual behavior on the premises.

Baggle – Mildly derogatory term used to describe someone that has lived long enough to be considered elderly, from the more common term “Old Bag”. Also “Old Baggle”.

Ball Walking – Describes the act of men parading about with their genitalia protruding from their trousers. Considered an act of macho swagger, this practice first came to light during the Tailhook scandal of the mid-1990’s.

Balls! – Utterance from Mike meaning “Darn!” or “Shucks!”

Base – the bottom area of the penis shaft. Usually used in reference to men who wear their pants extremely low, so much so that one might be able to see their penis.

Bean, Joseph W. – Author of the book “Flogging,” which provides tutorial instructional on the art of beating other’s genitals, often until bloodied. Available from Greenery Press.

Beard – Member of the opposite sex used to disguise an individual’s homosexuality. For instance, Connie, Nancy, and Tess were all Drew’s “beards.”

Beast, The – Nick name for Hillary Clinton.

Beating Someone with an Oar – Punishment invented by Mike after a plane crashed off the coast of Somalia and the natives used this penalty to castigate individuals that had hijacked the plane. Has been applied to a variety of scenarios in which punishment and water somehow could be applied together.

Beejer – The act of oral sex as performed on a male.

Being the Last One to Speak to an Old Person – Something to gloat over when the elderly individual in question passes away. This is generally accomplished at the end of an interview when both hosts attempt to be the last to yell “Bye!” into the phone before it disconnects. The tape of the interview will then be played back at a slow speed in order to determine the “winner.”

Belting the Bald Bishop – Metaphorical term used to reference the act of male masturbation. Also “Floggin’ it,” “Punching the Clown,” and “Wristin’ it.”

Bestiality – A history of the show demonstrates an indisputable fascination with this subject. Anytime that bestiality is mentioned anywhere in the media, Drew and Mike will find a participant, witness, or other bystander for interview on the show. To date, they have covered in-depth stories regarding humans having sex with turkeys, dogs, sheep, an individual in Sweden that actually raped 2 cows, and a guy that married a horse while also admitting to having sex with a dog.

Big Ole Baby – This phrase began with a tabloid story about a gigantic baby. The child’s mother was interviewed via telephone, Elvis was somehow interjected into the conversation, and now any similar stories about colossal children must be referred to with this phrase, and only in an Elvis voice, such as “Ahhhhhhhh thas a big ole baby.” This practice routinely creeps into other stories about large things, such as “Ahhhhhhhh thas a big ole house, car, etc.”

BIIIIIITTTTCH!!! – Catch phrase of Mike, used to taunt, humiliate, or otherwise degrade any female thought to be deserving of such treatment. Also used as a sort of greeting and tribute. For instance: “To all the guys at ACME – BIIIIIIIIITTTTTCH!!!!!!!”

Bi-Lingual Man – Drew’s alter ego when he attempts to communicate with a Spanish-speaking individual. Drew’s grasp of the language is limited at best, consisting mostly of insults, and such attempts at conversation usually turn ugly rather quickly. See “Idiota.”

Bitch Splitter – Misogynistic term describing a large penis, usually as associated with an individual of African-American decendency.

Bitch Titties – Insensitive phrase describing the attributes of male individuals suffering from hypermastia.

Bite People – Describes individuals with the penchant for requesting a bite of other people’s food. Generally considered to be incredibly annoying anchors. See “Anchors.”

Bloids – The tabloids, a frequent source of news, information, and entertainment on the show. See “Irresponsible Speculation.”

BlueBoy Magazine – Homosexually-oriented magazine featuring nude photographs of young, clean-cut men. Subscribed to by show co-producer Marc Fellhauer.

Blue Shirts – An on-going discussion on the show concerning whether or not blue shirts represent a legitimate fashion trend. Mike has adopted the pro-blue stance, while Drew maintains that we live in a mostly white shirt dominated world.

Bob Boner – Double entendre-laden, horny, occasional guest of the show.

Boil Over – When a man’s semen does not have enough energy kinetic energy to exit the penis fully during ejaculation and instead seems to bubble, boil, and leak from the penis. Generally considered to be demasculating. More often seen in older men with the next step in the progression being blowing dust. See “Dust”

Boinking – The act of sexual intercourse.

Bong Hit Championship – Cable-access television program in Seattle where contestants phone in to (206) 421-5005 and compete in order to determine who can take the longest hit off a bong, using the sound of the gurgling water as the quantitative standard. Hosted by Mark C., a 40 year old stoner guitar player that lives with his 71 year old mother. Was fired from a job as a Santa at Liquidation World for promoting the Santa gig on his show.

Bonnie – Mike’s pussy little chick dog whose picture occupies a coveted place within his wallet. Best known for it’s habit of constantly urinating and defecating throughout Mike’s home. See “Skank (House Of).”

Boo Boo Boo Boo – A taunt designed to degrade and humiliate fans of an opponent’s sports team. First used to ridicule Philadelphia Flyers fans during the 1997 Stanley Cup finals. Largely displaced by the use of “Tooooooooooo Bad!” in late 1999. See “Tooooooooooo Bad.”

Boy In the Hood – Synonym for the clitoris.

Brass Nads – Describes male individuals thought to possess above average courage.

Brass Ovaries – Describes female individuals thought to possess above average courage.

Brody, Adrien – An actor known for more serious or dramatic roles who has become an ongoing joke on the show orginating from the fact that he resembles actor D.J. Qualls, who typically appears in lighter fare. The show will often times purposely interchange the names of the two actors as if they were doing so unknowingly. The show will usually continue the act despite an onslaught of phone calls and emails in an attempt to correct the mistake. For example: “Adrien Brody was wonderful in ‘The New Guy’.” See “Ling, Lisa”, “Liu, Lucy”, “Qualls, D.J.”

Bruce – Former WRIF intern, best known for his fondness of disrobing in public.

Bruce PALtrow – This melodic piece is a sound bite of Gweneth Paltrow referencing her father during her 1999 Academy Award acceptance speech. As with so many of these definitions, a narrative description does little justice to the actuality.

Buffet Bob – Gravitationally-challenged individual that attracted attention from law enforcement officials when he apparently took an “all you can eat” invitation at a Chinese restaurant a little too seriously and nearly ate the place bankrupt. While this feat was indeed marginally amusing, his true entertainment value was established during his on-air interview, where he demonstrated a thorough preparedness for his 15 minutes of fame by being ready with several anti-Chinese witticisms and fat jokes.

Bumping Helmets – When the heads of two or more penises come in contact with eachother. Usually used in reference to the now defunct Ann Arbor Naked Mile run

Burnt Sienna – The crayon in the box that was always discarded first when Mike was a kid. Also, the color of feces.

Butt Good – A task performed quite well; a splendid job, as in “He put it to her ‘Butt Good’.”

Butt Mic – A wise fart that occasionally offers intellectual commentary on a variety of issues.

Buzz – Drew and Mike’s supposed Supervisor. Created by Drew to be used when the person they are talking to over the phone to is responding particularly negatively to things they have said. Buzz usually ends up swearing at the person over the phone as if it’s a part of his everyday speech and is generally used to continue to mock the person while appearing to make an attempt to appease them.

C and D – Cease and Desist. A judicial order occasionally imposed upon WRIF for any of a variety of legal infractions. Usually involves the airing of musical performances that have not been officially released by the owners of the recording, such as Van Halen.

Cable Guy, The – Individual that made a multitude of telephone calls to his cable television provider in order to complain about a service outage. The recorded messages represent an incredibly eloquent and articulate string of profane narratives that have come to epitomize the general outrage felt by anyone that has ever attempted unsuccessfully to gain assistance from a service industry organization.

Cal Ripken Jr. Record – The Drew and Mike Show first went on the air in Novemver 1991. From this time until Thursday, January 18, 2001, Mike never missed a single day of work, a streak considered absolutely incredible considering the unbelievably unhealthy lifestyle enjoyed by Mike. The streak finally ended when Mike, who reportedly was drooling, foaming at the mouth, and intermittently fetal with some type of intestinal disorder, actually called in sick and missed an entire day of work. See “Fetal Position.”

Camel Toe – Phrase that describes the pubic area of a female. Derived from the physical resemblance to the pied region associated with the phalangial areas of these desert beasts.

Candyman – Gentleman that was left disabled after being severely burned in a firebombing several years ago and now makes his living selling candy in front of CVS drugstores. Unofficially adopted by WRIF after running afoul of the law for doing nothing more than trying to earn an honest living selling his candy and being denied by the state Medicaid program for medically necessary services that had been deemed “cosmetic.”

Cans – Synonym for breasts. Frequently referred to in Hog Speak, such as “Nice cans there bitch.” See “Hog Speak.”

Car Wash Joe – Slow-moving and rather inactive employee of a local car wash organization that frequently contacts the show during the various interactive games that are played. Generally treated with respect despite the fact that he is clearly an anchor of immense proportion. See “Anchor.”

Carbon Unit – Metaphor for any person.

Cardboard Condo – Phrase that describes miniature habitats constructed by lethargic or slothful manufacturing employees. Generally used for purposes of labor avoidance, slumber, or other inanimate or vegetative behavior.

Carmen, Kam – Fox TV2 personality frequently stalked by Mike because of her beauty, charm, and outright sex appeal. Was driven nearly insane with jealousy in early 1999 when Mike turned his stalking prowess towards her co-worker Lucy Nolan.

Cart 2 – Poorly functioning piece of equipment that is designed to play audio actualities, but is rarely operational. Technical difficulties are generally blamed on it.

Celebrity Assault Tote Board – Scoring system designed to keep track of male assaults on females, and female assaults on males, in order to determine which gender is prevailing. Was erased by some asshole on the afternoon shift (probably Meltdown).

Chamber of Farts, The – Insidious place where individuals are farted upon with no mercy. Originally from a South Park broadcast.

Chinese Arithmetic – Term used as a metaphor for a particularly solid and inflexible erection. For instance: “I was as hard as Chinese arithmetic.” Originally from Ike Turner’s autobiography.

Choad – A penis thought to have excessive girth. See “Deathpool Dave.”

Chop Job – Disparaging or depreciative editing or interpretation of articulated circumstances. Used by long-time CBS broadcaster Mike Wallace when interviewing Mike’s father, Dick Clark.

Choo Choo Lady, The – Lady disintegrated by a train on the “Banned from TV” video. Scene is occasionally surreptitiously edited into other video clips in order to shock and repulse unsuspecting viewers.

Circled Days – Metaphor for the days in which females are experiencing their menstrual cycles.

Circus – General term used to describe media stories that would seem implausible, and yet appear to be true. Usually accompanied by circus-type music.

Clark, Dick – Mike Clark’s father. A segment is devoted to him where Letters to the Editor or emails he has written are read over the air.

Clarked – Describes the process of being verbally undressed, groped, and sexually assaulted by Mike Clark. Also “Ministered.”

Cliff Notes Theater – Shortened versions of popular films, acted out by Drew, Mike, Trudi, and various other WRIF employees.

Clock Weights – Synonym for the testicles.

Cloud Deck – Describes a particularly impressive remnant of excrement that was abandoned in a toilet bowl or elsewhere. Occasionally used as a metaphor for that which is disgusting.

Clowns – Mischievous individuals thought to be up to no good. Clowns occasionally try to infiltrate various aspects of the show, and must be guarded against at all times.

Clublove.com – Web site offering pornographic services that always seems to have superlative content quicker than it’s competitors. Held in high esteem by the WRIF staff. See “Seth.”

Commander Astar – The leader of the extra-terrestrials that transport Stan Johnson. See “Stan Johnson.”

Cop Pants – Unusual fashion statement advocated by Drew. Apparently, this stems from his favoritism towards a game known as “Hide the Nightstick,” which he enjoys playing with certain male friends that are employed in the law enforcement sector. See “Apparently.”

Count David Wimp – Mildly developmentally disabled individual that set a goal of counting up to one million by ones on a calculator, simply by adding one plus one and then pressing the plus sign over and over again. Actually reached his goal and continued on. At last check he had reached the five million mark and was closing in on 6. Rumored to dress his wife up as a plus sign in order to achieve sexual excitement.

Courtesy Flush – A second flush of the toilet, generally necessitated by an unusually large liberation of fecal matter. See “Toilet Baby-sitting” and “Cloud Deck.”

C.R.A. – Cold Rear Action. Describes anal intercourse between men, which, of course, could absolutely never be considered even remotely “hot,” except possibly by show co-producer Marc Fellhauer.

Craning – The act of using one’s garments to push up and better accentuate one’s breasts

Crank – Synonym for the penis. Generally employed in conjunction with various adjectives as part of colorful descriptive sentences, such as “Bobbitt’s raging crank,” “Clinton’s crooked crank,” “Liam’s colossal crank,” etc.

Crazy Babies – Mike’s phrase for pets.

Cross Swords – Used in reference to urinating along with another male at the same time and either crossing the two urine streams or actual physically forming a cross with the two penises. This phrase alludes to the ancient form of combat using swords.

Crotch Miles – Term that describes the relative amount of sexual activity experienced by a female. See “Odometer Turning Over.”

Crotch Post – Device used by sexually desirous females to satisfy their carnal cravings. Consists of a pole-type apparatus that the individual uses to massage her “poison ivy patch.” Considered to be conceptually similar to a scratch post as utilized by felines. See “Poison Ivy Patch.”

Crow, Sheryl – Pop artist that Drew is in love with. His feelings for her are similar to those he avows for Alanis Morissette, only not as vehement. See “Morissette, Alanis.”

Cue Card Guy, The – Frequent tormentor of Bob Hope, tends to not change the cue cards quick enough which inevitably leads to violence against his person.

Cunanan Magnet – Term used to describe show co-producer Mike Wolters, a devoted admirer of the late homosexual murderer Andrew Cunanan.

Cunning Linguist – An individual of above average intelligence that has the ability to communicate in multiple languages.

Cup Check! – Phrase called out by Dan Dildorf, an occasional character that performs a parody of former Monday Night Football commentator and 13 year NFL player Dan Dierdorf. Whenever this phrase is mentioned everyone must rap upon their genital areas in order to assure the presence of protective gear.

Cut Head – Also “Cut Crown.” or simply “Cut” Indelicate term used to describe a circumcised penis.

Cut it Out … (enter name) – General statement made by Mike to anyone that clearly needs to refrain from whatever offensive activity they are engaged in. This phrase has a certain enunciation with it, similar to Hog Speak but different. See also, “Hog Speak.”

D Mac – Affectionate nick name for the Detroit Red Wings power forward Darren McCarty, an occasional guest on the show.

Daddy Howard – Perverted yet polite man from San Francisco that actively solicits and recruits men via the telephone and newspaper advertisements for the purpose of convincing them to visit his dwelling to receive spankings.

Dan Rather’s Ribs – This began with a media story alleging that “shock rock” moron Marilyn Manson had two ribs removed so that he could perform fellatio upon himself. Somehow (Drew) the focus of this story shifted to CBS news anchor Dan Rather, who now is the principal victim of this rumor.

Dan The Engine Sound Man – Local gentleman that is able to recreate the sounds of various engines with a great deal of accuracy.

Dancin’ Doug – Nick name of program director Doug Podell, whose show follows Drew and Mike’s.

Daniels, Trudi – Beautiful and sexy news correspondent for the show. Highly erotic nature causes a multitude of male listeners to tune in daily. See “Sebum Head.”

Dansaballs – Phrase uttered by oriental individual at a donut shop while attempting to say “Belfourblows”. See “Donut Shop Terrorism.”

Dave? – Phrase uttered by Tommy Chong when looking for someone named Dave. Has been used to search for David Lee Roth, Deathpool Dave, and others.

David Cassidy – Code phrase used by scatophiles to indicate which individual in such relationships is responsible for defecating into the oral cavities of others. For instance, if one such individual were to ask “Would you be my David Cassidy?” the individual would actually be inquiring as to whether or not the other would be willing to crap in his or her mouth.

Death Star Fart – Describes flatulence of the most putrid variety. The origin of this term is somewhat vague, but has generally been attributed to the “noxious, gassy” atmosphere that leads to the formation of stars in the universe.

Deathpool Dave – Local death pool expert. Developed mathematical formula used for predicting the statistical probability of a celebrity expiring during a given contest year and used it to become the first and only winner in the 5 years of the Death Pool. Served as the Celebrity Cause of Death expert on the Stump the Staff segment. His constant weaseling onto the show and frequent raids upon the WRIF prize closet eventually exhausted the good will of the staff and forced them to snub him in the hopes that he would simply go away. Also, the original compiler of this glossary.

Death Pool, The – Game that takes place in the first week of January in which listeners fax the names of 3 celebrities they think will expire during the new year. First individual to accrue 3 bodies in the contest year receives the entire “Faces of Death” video collection. Inexplicably cancelled in 1999 much to the horror of probably no one but Deathpool Dave.

Death Triangle – Theory that suggests that people die in groups of three, and every death must be accompanied by 2 others.

Def Con Loaf – Phrase describing a copious and immense bowel movement.

Delbert – Elderly resident of Arkansas with entertaining views on various issues.

Delivery Room – Metaphor for the bathroom. Known as such because this is where individuals give birth to “brown babies.” Frequently referred to in conjunction with other similar terms, such as “dilation” and “toilet stirrups.”

Denise, Nikita – A Czechoslovakian porn actress noted for the peculiar and un-erotic way in which she speaks. Particularly the way she inappropriately adds the sound of the letter K to the end of some things she says

De-Pantsing – Humiliating punishment advocated by Drew that involves removing the pants of certain individuals in an attempt to inflict feelings of vexation and embarrassment. For reasons never fully elucidated, Drew favors directing this particular chastisement toward young boys, such as the country-singing little puke Billy Joe what’s-his-name and adolescent actor Hallie Joel Osment. See “It’s Crazy.”

Designated Loser – The individual assigned to maintaining a state of sobriety so as to safely transport others in the party that are inebriated.

Diaper Face Guy – A contestant named William from the television program “The Benefactor” who became audibly upset as he got kicked off the show. The diaper reference is something Mike Clark came up with, claiming that it sounded like he had a diaper over his face, or that Mike wanted to smother him with a diaper.

Diaper Pail Kids – Term that describes certain perverted and deviant individuals that are sexually excited by adults wearing diapers.

Did They Ever Caulk This Board? – Famous words uttered by Mike Clark in the midst of the Great Coffee Spill of September 18th as he presumably inquired whether the sound board had been caulked by the engineering staff to protect it from Drew and Mike’s frequent beverage spills.

Diddling Fridays – Idea that suggested that female listeners journey to the studio on Fridays and masturbate for the amusement and pleasure of the morning crew. This concept was growing in popularity until the staff unintentionally forgot about it, and it never was implemented.

Dirt Bike – Term used to suggest or describe anal sexual intercourse. Also “Riding the Dirt Bike”, or “Daddy’s Dirt Bike.”

Disco Ernie – An affable if somewhat confused gentleman, he is an octogenarian that is generally recognized as the worlds oldest stripper.

Distressed Homo Man – Mike’s stressed-out, anxiety-ridden gay character. Sort of like a homosexual version of Mr. Stress. See “Mr. Stress.”

D.N.T. – Damn Near Tits, meaning that something is quite close to being spectacular. While F.C.C. guidelines prohibit the airing of this phrase, it can be heard frequently within the WRIF walls.

Doctor Dirty – John Valby, a singing piano player that has made an enviable living by performing popular songs with altered lyrics that are off-color, risqué, and frequently downright lewd and disgusting. Of course, they are also funny as hell and his shows in Detroit are generally sponsored by WRIF and heavily promoted on the Drew and Mike show.

Doctor Disgusto – A twisted and perverse figure from Drew’s past. True identity is unknown, and he is proclaimed to invade rest rooms and other public areas only to leave fecal matter splattered in a most devious and insidious manner. Reports in the media of such activities are generally credited to him.

Doggy Style or Lying on Your Side – The only sexual positions available, according to Robert DiNero in the film “This Boy’s Life.” Audio clip of this was played frequently on the show.

Don’t Say Ah – Interactive game in which listeners call the show, and are then presented with a topic that is usually somewhat complex. A prize is awarded if the caller is able to discuss the topic for an established period of time in an at least marginally intelligent manner without saying “ah” or using other common speech fillers.

Don’t Stump Mike – Call-in trivia game in which callers win prizes if Mike is actually able to correctly answer the question. Represents an interesting dilemma for Mike, as the game requires him to be portrayed as intellectually challenged when in reality he is a reasonably intelligent man who simply doesn’t bother to memorize worthless trivia information.

Don’t Weasel In! – Admonishment from actor Robert Duvall when Drew contacted him directly rather than going through his agent or publicist. This audio clip is played whenever anyone attempts weasel-related activity on the show. See “Weasels.”

Donut Man – Proprietor of a donut shop in Colorado that was originally contacted during the Stanley Cup finals of 1996 when the Red Wings were challenging the Colorado Avalanche for the Western Division Championship. This rather good-natured gentleman became an annual focal point for this inter-city rivalry, representing the Colorado fans and actively participating in regional-based belittlement and verbal sparring with Drew and Mike, until going out of business and dropping out of sight prior to the 1999 series.

Donut Shop Terrorism – Phone calls made to donut shops in cities of teams that are opposing a Detroit team in a sporting event. Attempts are then made to convince the caller to page the name of an opposing team member followed by “Blows.” For example: Goalie Ed Belfour was to be paged as “Belfourblows”.

D.O.T. – Dead On Tits, meaning that something is absolutely spectacular. Similar to D.N.T., F.C.C. guidelines prohibit the airing of this phrase and it is heard in it’s entirety only within the WRIF walls.

Double Secret Probation – Dubious status invoked by Drew and imposed upon any individual thought to be behaving in a suspicious manner.

DRAAAAAAPPPPPES!!! – Must be screamed, cannot be spoken. Affectionate nick name for Detroit Red Wing Kris Draper, who scored the game winning goal in overtime of the second game of the 1998 Stanley Cup finals.

Drapes Matching the Carpet – Term that questions whether or not one’s hair color matches the color of one’s pubic hair.

Dream Weaver Music – The opening chords to Gary Wright’s “Dream Weaver” song are played anytime someone on the show is thought to be boring or “spacing out” the audience. This process is usually rendered by newscaster Trudi Daniels when she is reporting on women’s shoes, local politics, or other such dull, monotonous, dreary, humdrum, tedious or mundane topics.

Drew Blows – Often referred to phrase that stems from an incident at a Detroit Lion’s tailgate party that Drew was scheduled to attend but ended up calling-in sick. Program Director Doug Podell made futile attempts to control the drunken and unruly crowd who had begun chanting this phrase, the chants were recorded, and the resulting audio clip has been aired repeatedly. Although somewhat derogatory by nature, the phrase has become a tribute of sorts to Drew. It has been spotted written in the dirt on trucks all across the nation, photographed at European landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower, written on signs at sporting events occurring throughout the country, and on inflatable penises at notable Detroit area sporting events. (pictured: A large inflatable penis with “Drew Blows” written on it makes an appearance at Tigers Opening Day 2005)

Drew Power Hungry Big Head – Drew’s Indian name, which describes the insolent, contemptuous, and disrespectful persona he tends to adopt during the popular Stump the Staff segment. See “Stump the Staff.”

Drewlitzer Award – Drew’s acknowledgment of literary work that is deemed to be of exceptional quality. Passages regarding masturbation, flatulence, lesbianism, and other such colorful topics are generally considered to be premier contenders for this esteemed and respected honor.

Drew U – Virginia Tech, where Drew attended college.

Drew’s Duds – Describes film, music, or other cultural art recommendations that were affirmed by Drew even though they clearly suck.

Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool – Metaphorical term used to reference the act of defecation. Same as “Growing a Tail”, “Laying Cable”, “Loafing Down”, “Releasing the Hostages”, “Stocking the Pond”, and “Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl.”

Dropping Trou – Describes the act of removing or lowering one’s pants.

Drops – Audio clips that are aired at strategic moments and are intended to be humorous.

DSLs – Dick Sucking Lips

Dudley – Mike’s bird.

Dust – Term used to describe the orgasmic output of elderly individuals. Frequently worked into sentences such as “The milkshake sprayed her with dust.” See “Milkshake.”

Dutch Oven, The – A slang name for a practical joke played on bedmates by restraining them under the covers after you have passed gas.

DW’ed – Dick Whipped. Describes women that are subservient, subordinate, and groveling towards their men, as they should be.

Eating at the Salad Bar – Term used to describe the act of one man performing oral sex upon another man’s anus. See “Toss My Salad.”

Ed – Pathetic loser with an internet campaign designed to attract a potential bride. Was allowed to interview potential candidates on the air, and instead of concentrating on the women at hand he instead focused on himself by directing all banter and conversation internally. Also pushed his voice. See “Pushing Your Voice” and “Rod.”

Editorial Voice – Voice used by Drew to read editorials and email, inparticular letters to the editor sent in by people (usually disgruntled women) to various publications such as People and USA Today. Known for it’s raspy, bull dyke sound and how all the letters end with “Shame on you ______” where the blank is filled in by naming whatever individual or organization the writer is against (usually the very publication being read).

Effeminate Man With a Cold – Drew’s alter ego, used to imitate the voice of a homosexual man.

Elastovag – Flexible sexual organ rumored to be possessed by women that give birth to large children. See “Big Ole Baby.”

Electric Chair Booster Seat – Proposed solution for young perpetrators of crimes that may be too young for the standard electric chair.

Electric Couch – Time-saving device proposed by Drew and Mike in order to execute a greater number of people more efficiently.

Electric Playpen – Yet another proposed solution to the more-and-more frequent problem of criminal activities committed by youthful perpetrators. Stemmed from a short period of time in which there were several incidents of hideous acts committed by individuals that were legally too young for long-term incarceration, and would have to be released from custody on or about their 18th birthday.

Electrolyte Dump – Metaphor for a particularly mellifluous defecation. Named as such due to the large amount of electrolytes known to exit the body during such overly liquid excretions.

Elephant Walk – Process in which several men walk around, each holding the penis of the fellow behind him. Began with a story about a hockey team that required this process as part of a team initiation.

Elvie – One of eight individuals in the United States that possesses a legal prescription for medical marijuana, and an occasional guest on the show. Known to take the concept of marijuana use to extremes by not only smoking it, but also making clothes out of it and writing and singing pot-related songs.

Elvis – A frequent guest commentator on the show.

Enchanted Mitten – Mike’s proposed idea for the official state motto. Completely shot to hell by Governor John Engler in a 7/16/98 interview when he pointed out to Mike that there is also an upper peninsula in Michigan.

Explosion Lady – A woman, who was being interviewed by the show about fighting off carjackers, that Mike noticed would often exhale heavily over the phone, causing a muffled, explosion-like sound to be heard over the receiver. Subsequently, further explosion ladies have been encountered since this first discovery.

Fake! – Obvious reference to something being fake. Known for the terse and loud way it is typically said.

Falcon, Jonah – Gentleman that claims to possess the world’s largest penis.

Fart Cart – Describes a piece of audio equipment that contains digitally recorded intonations of flatulence. Generally employed while discussing women that are not considered to be sexually desirable, such as Hillary Clinton, Linda Tripp, or any female athlete other than under-aged skaters.

Farticle – The individual tiny, invisible, but usually quite noxious flatus particles emitted during a fart.

Fat Chicks – Known specifically as Drew’s wheelhouse, as he has long proclaimed a proclivity towards females that are gravitationally challenged and would benefit significantly from comprehensive weight reduction programs. See “Wheelhouse.”

Feces – Obvious reference to fecal matter, known for its peculiar, drawn-out pronunciation. Frequently prefaced with “Surprise!”

Felching – Sexual act allegedly made popular by actor Richard Gere in which a gerbil is placed into the anal cavity via paper towel tube or other cyndrilical object for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification. Also “The Gerbil.”

Fellhauer Flu – A particularly virulent form of influenza that is known for having multiple strains.

Fetal Position – Metaphor used to describe individuals suffering from a debilitating illness, usually of a temporary nature. For instance: “Mariah’s diarrhea turned her into a fetal position case.”

Fight Song Turd – Name given to a special man who can sing any major college’s fight song off by heart and entirely acapella. Most notable for the overly enthusiastic and nasally way the songs are sung. Now gone into hiding after a pummelling by WRIF callers, Drew and Mike renamed him “The Fight Song Genius” in a so far failed attempt to get him back on the show.

Finders Keepers Losers Weepers Babe – Frequently aired audio clip that originated after an armored car overturned and spilled money into the inner-city streets of Miami. Represents the explanation of one such ghetto resident that was asked why she would not be returning to the authorities any of the money she found.

Fleshy Fun Bridge – See “Taint.”

Floggin’ It – Describes the act of masturbation by a male. Also “Belting the Bald Bishop,” “Wristin’ It”, and “Punching the Clown.”

Fluff – Stoned-out former caddie for Tiger Woods that makes occasional guest appearances on the show.

Fluffed – Term that describes a penis that has been mildly stirred from placidity so as to appear larger than if it had not received such stimulation. Thought to be advantageous to its appearance as such a penis, though not erect, would nonetheless appear larger than a completely flaccid unit, thereby giving a deceitful yet complimentary appearance of grandiosity. See “Off- The-Bag.”

Forest – Area of particularly dense and seemingly impenetrable female pubic hair. References to this term will frequently be accompanied by the sound of an ax chopping wood, and the term is frequently applied to the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. See “Hair Bomb.”

Fried Eggs – Synonym for small breasts.

Friend of Dorothy – Code phrase homosexuals use in order to identify each other. For instance, if one gentleman were to ask another whether or not he was a “friend of Dorothy,” he would actually be inquiring as to the man’s sexual preference.

Fritz – A milkman that for some reason decided to attempt to set the Guinness World Record for the most interviews. In and of itself this was not all that remarkable, however, by some bizarre twist of fate this guy actually became involved with Mike Babone, and now the two are interviewing together. The participatory status of the actions of these two individuals brings forth a level of absurdity and preposterousness that is indescribable, beyond reason, and completely unfathomable. See “Babone, Mike.”

Fugly – Fucking Ugly. Describes an individual whose appearance transcends that of the merely unattractive and enters the realms of downright repulsive. See “Meltdown.”

Full Bag – Term used to describe male individuals that have not engaged in sexual activities for an extended period of time. See “Back Pressure” and “PSI.”

Full Figured Dating – Interactive game in which listeners that are large in stature call in to speak to other listeners that are attracted to large people. The main objective of the game is to get fat people dates.

Full Weasel Mode – Openly and admittedly attempting to gain something by using any and all of a variety of unscrupulous techniques. See “Weasel.”

Gazoo – Describes an individual portrayed in an almost picture-in-picture type of format on a television show, such as the spouse or significant other of a game show contestant that is shown behind the contestant while he or she plays the game. Derives its name from the little green alien character on the Flintstones, who was generally seen hovering over someone’s shoulder.

General, The – University of Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight, a frequent guest on the show. Comments are generally punctuated by beeps designed to conceal profanity.

Gerbil, The – See “Felching.”

Get a Room – General statement made to anyone that is deemed to being enjoying something too much. For instance, anyone trumpeting a particular television show, snack food, sports team, etc. will be instructed to “get a room” with it.

Get a Rubber – General statement made to anyone thought to have too many brats.

Getting Rid of a Body – A tremendous amount of discussion has been generated on the show regarding the best way to perform this task, and it has been determined that there is simply no proficient way for murderers to accomplish this chore. Buried bodies get dug up by dogs or other animals, bodies left in houses or crawl spaces emanate foul odors, cutting bodies up leaves behind admissible blood and tissue evidence, and so forth. According to Drew and Mike, there simply is no best way to go about it.

Gingerale – Synonym for beer, the preferred beverage of Mickey Redmond.

Glass Table – Frequently referred to prop, used by individuals that desire close-up views of others that are in the act of eliminating waste, but wish to avoid being soiled by the resulting materials. Similar to a Hot Carl, but not as messy. See “Hot Carl.”

Glistener – Synonym for an erect penis. Derives its name from the small amount of fluid that discharges prior to full ejaculation during periods of sexual excitement.

Glory Hole – A hole in a wall, generally in a public bathroom or house of pornography, that certain men thrust their genitalia through so that they can be sexually serviced by a man on the other side. Editors Note: See the “Guide to Glory Holes” in Part 4.

God – Formerly Terrell Clark Williams, this cranky asshole changed his name to God for no apparent reason and then pushed his “fame” in order to secure appearances on various media outlets.

Graff, Gary – Former musical correspondent to the show. Also known as the “Rain Man of Rock” and “Mr. Big Stuff,” his segment was moved to the afternoon show in early 1999.

Gratuitous Rock Star Thank You – Used to both open and close the show, Drew and Mike’s method of thanking the listeners for listening: “Are you ready? (Ready) Thank you! Detroit!”

Growing a Tail – Metaphorical term used to reference the act of defecation. Same as “Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool”, “Laying Cable”, “Loafing Down”, “Releasing the Hostages”, “Stocking the Pond”, and “Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl.”

H and D – Hump and Dump. Used to describe one individual using another for sexual purposes only, and then dismissing the person completely. Also “Nut and Bolt.”

Hair Bomb – Term meant to imply the presence of an excessive amount of pubic hair. For instance: “It looks like a hair bomb went off down there.”

Half Guy – Phrase used to describe newscaster Trudi Daniels, because despite being feminine and sexy she is also generally really hip to guy stuff.

Hang Time – The amount of time between when flatulence is emanated and when the resulting stench dissipates. See “Attic Farts” and “Death Star Fart.”

Harris, Alexander – British gentleman with an very cool voice and interesting accent. First discovered during an English Harris Poll regarding opinions towards the English monarchy, he is best known for his enunciation of the word “boner.”

Harris Poll – Telephone requests for opinions to individuals with the last name of Harris. Usually results in an attempt to convince the Harris that his or her opinion is incorrect, especially if the Harris’s opinion is different than that of Drew and Mike’s.

He Women – Describes females that are incredibly cool, are well informed regarding issues generally associated with the male gender, and listen to Drew and Mike.

Hedgehog – Also known as “The Hog,” this is the nickname for pornography star Ron Jeremy, a disgustingly fat, unattractive, and hairy individual that none the less seems to appear in almost every pornographic film ever made. It was his name that led to the genesis of Hog Speak. See “Hog Speak.”

Helmet – Also “Purple Helmet.” Describes the glans, or head of the penis. Often used as part of a descriptive sentence, such as “I think there might have been a helmet graze,” or “He left a helmet print on her forehead.”

Hernandez Poll – Basically this is the same as a Harris Poll, only it is used to poll Hispanic individuals. See “Harris Poll.”

Hey kids, doesn’t that guy look like uncle Bob? – Phrase used at a Detroit Pistons game by Bruce Hornsby, it is thought, to get rid of Drew, who admittedly may have lingered too long in his conversation with Bruce. It is surmised that the phrase was either made up on the fly or was previously agreed upon by Bruce and his children in order to get rid of fans that over stay their welcome.

Hide-a-Rack – Mythical device thought to conceal or disguise the presence of breasts. Thought to exist after detailed analysis of photographic evidence regarding the actress Wynona Ryder, who at times appears to possess large mammary glands while at other times not.

High Maintenance – Individual that requires far too much attention and work to keep happy. Usually a female.

High Road, The – Hypocritical position occasionally assumed by Drew while pretending to be above and superior to a given activity. For instance: Refusing to accept religious figures as candidates for the Death Pool.

Hoagie – A reference to the penis that serves as a metaphor for sex with a man. For instance: “She got some hoagie last night,” or “She likes a variety of hoagie.”

Hog Speak – A method of enunciation that is impossible to effectively summarize in a printed narrative. Began with a certain pronunciation of “Hog,” and was then extended to several other areas of the vernacular. See “Hedgehog.”

Homo Within, The – Describes latent homosexual feelings that must be defended against, such as those felt by Mike while listening to David Bowie recordings. See “Throaty Bowie.”

Hooters Jacket Guy – Drew’s impression of anyone that would wear a Hooters jacket. Represents an loquacious and elegant portrayal of any average, beer drinking, trailer-dwelling, blue-collar type of Hooters patron.

Hot Carl – Twisted sexual act practiced by scatophiles. Involves defecating directly upon someone’s face, or being defecated upon in this manner by another. The recipient of the waste matter generally will wrap his or her face in Saran Wrap prior to receiving the load.

How’s My Dictate? – Phrase uttered by the former lover of a female to her current sexual partner. Meant to inquire as to the current partner’s opinion of the former partner’s writing skills.

H.R.A. – Hot Rear Action. Refers to anal intercourse that is particularly satisfactory and gratifying. Frequent attempts are made to work this phrase into interviews and other segments of the show.

H.S.A. – Hot Solo Action. Describes the act of self-gratification, particularly by a female. See “Daniels, Trudi.”

Hudson, Walter – Deceased gentleman that weighed over 1,000 pounds at the time of his demise, and was known to use his bathtub as a toilet. Rescue workers were forced to remove and entire wall in order to extricate his corpse from his home. Stories regarding extremely obese individuals will frequently reference this man. See “Skank.”

Huh Marc?(Revised) – Used to refer a question to Marc Fellhauer, a WRIF staff member thought to know everything because he is a graduate from the University of Michigan.

Hunkering Down – Metaphor for the female vaginal acceptance of a penis. For instance, “She was really hunkering down on that hoagie.”

HUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEE !!!! – This phrase is used whenever describing something that is of mammoth proportions. As with so many other phrases on the show, there is a particular method of pronunciation that accompanies this statement.

Ice Hole – Refers to individuals that, despite the presence of temperatures that have been well above freezing for extended periods of time, insist upon venturing upon rapidly thawing ice masses that are jeopardous, unreliable, and altogether perilous. Invariably, several of these dullards end up needing rescuing by the Coast Guard at significant expense to taxpayers, some of them several times over. See ” Make Ice Holes Give a Credit Card” in the “Drew’s Ideas” section.

I Must Be Living Under a Mushroom! – Phrase used whenever there is a reference in the media to something that is not understood, such as a “celebrity” that the hosts have never heard of. Originated when Drew and Mike were making fun of someone at WJR that had never heard of Pamela Lee Anderson. As with so many other aspects of the show, there is a certain vocal articulation associated with this phrase.

ICBM – While best known as a standard acronym for the phrase “Inter Continental Ballistic Missile”, this abbreviation has been a source of great amusement to Drew and Mike because it can be construed to mean “I See Bowel Movement.”

Icy Patch – Describes the lack of carnal appetite of any given female. See “Patch.”

Idiota – A magical Spanish word used by Bi-Lingual Man that causes the Hispanic individual on the phone line to become angry and enraged. Roughly translated, it means “Homosexual Imbecile.” See “Bi-Lingual Man.”

If There’s a Hole, Something’s Going in it – General rule of physics as defined by Drew and Mike, similar to “What goes up, must come down.”

I’m Going to Have Your Ass Burnt! Statement made to Drew and Mike during an interview with a man that had been convicted of having sex with a dog. References on the show to the topic of people having sex with animals will frequently hearken back to this interview, with questions such as “I wonder if we had an ass burning” or similar inquiries. See “Sunshine.”

Immunity List – List of five individuals, usually celebrities, that one is allowed to have sexual relations with while not incurring the ire of one’s mate.

Incoherent Call of the Week – Occasional segment of the show that is aired when someone that is obviously out-of-touch with reality or under the extreme influence of mind altering substances contacts the show. The resulting dialog is recorded and then aired.

Internet Guy – Describes Drew’s vocal narration of messages emailed to WRIF and read on the air.

Insignificant Trivia – Interactive game that is played whenever there is simply too much legitimate trivia information available pertaining to a given issue. Callers are awarded prizes if the question posed is deemed to be the most insignificant and meaningless.

Iodine – Medicinal ointment that, according to Mike, should be applied in generous quantities to the genital regions of unchaste and sexually promiscuous females whose sexual organs suffer repeated abuse.

Irresponsible Speculation – Openly engaged in and encouraged on the show. Usually involves taking a questionable media story, making the assumption that it is true, and then expanding upon the implicities in an irresponsible manner.

Isn’t That Wild? – Catch phrase of Bob Hope, an occasional guest on the show.

Isolation Booth – Chamber where various show participants are placed so that they can hear but cannot speak.

It’s Crazy – General term used to explain anything that otherwise would defy explanation. Originated when Mike Clark was having his new home built and the contractors were permanently drywalling popcans and other refuse into the wall. Mike confronted the foreman about this and his explantion was basically, “I know, it’s crazy”

Izzy – Occasional guest on Bong Hit Championships. His primary job description requires him to giggle during the contest.

J.O. Play – Term first defined by the San Francisco Jacks organization and used to reference male masturbation, usually of a group nature. See “Jacks, The.”

Jacks, The – A national organization with local chapters spanning from San Francisco to Orlando where men get together for mutual and group masturbation sessions. The organization is neither a business nor a religion, but rather a like-minded group of individuals such as show producer Marc Fellhauer. No cock sucking or butthole play is allowed, and clothes check is mandatory. Additional information can be obtained by calling (415) 267-6999.

Jackson Time – A measure of time measured in 45 minute increments. This is in reference to the Michael Jackson drop where Jackson claims that he was locked in a police station restroom for 45 minutes. As suggested by Mike Clark, a clock using Jackson Time would have two small hands on it. This is in reference to the assumption that Michael Jackson is a pedophile

Jasina Your Way In Originates from a snowy morning when Drew was listening to the WWJ AM950 on the radio on the way to work. WWJ morning team personality Roberta Jasina called in to her station on her way to work and gave a traffic report as if she wasnt late, but was, stating “Roberta Jasina, reporting on the roads”. According to Drew, the time was approximately 04:55am and she starts her morning show at 05:00am. At approximately 5:10, WWJ morning personality Joe Donovan was in the middle of conducting an interview when suddenly Roberta began to ask questions from in-studio, acting as if she had been there the whole time and not just arrived.

Jennifer – Simpson’s expert occasionally utilized during the Stump the Staff segment. Bitterly hated and despised by Marc Fellhauer and Mike Wolters.

Jensen, Luke – The “rock and roll” professional tennis player from Michigan is an occasional guest on the show. Perhaps best known for his fondness of heavy metal music and “going for it.”

Jerry – “Head” man and leader of the San Francisco Jacks organization. See “San Francisco Jacks.”

Jettisoning the Pollen – Term used to describe the male orgasm. Also “Venting the Seed Bag.”

JFK Jr. or No JFK Jr. – Interactive game played for some period of time after the death of JFK Jr. in which listeners would call in and guess whether or not a randomly selected television station would be airing a story about the unfortunate accident. Meant as an exercise in pointing out the absurdity of excessive media coverage, as opposed to any type of insensitive behavior on the part of Drew and Mike, as they are almost never insensitive to the misfortunes of others.

John F. Kennedy assassination – See “November 22nd, 1963”

John Malkovic Sound Alike Guy – A gentleman that occasionally calls in to the show, and sounds just like actor John Malkovic.

Johnny Appleweed Day – Pseudo-holiday championed by 59 year old stoner and award-winning marijuana grower Jack Herrarr. The intent of this celebration is to have multiple individuals spend an entire day planting marijuana seeds throughout the country in order to encourage and advance the cultivation of the plant . Despite being interviewed for well over 15 minutes, he forgot to mention what day this event was supposed to occur.

Johnny Spirit – Colorful Michigan State alumni known for attending school related events while painted in the school green and white colors and dressed as a Trojan.

Johnson, Stan – Big Foot and extra-terrestrial expert and author from Oregon, he claims to travel around the universe and occasionally visit the inside of Mars. Frequently pitted against anyone claiming to have knowledge of Big Foot or any extra-terrestrial being. Generally cranky and cantankerous, but can be appeased if one pretends to believe him.

Johnston, Carly – Beautiful, exquisite, radiant, sensual and libiduously attractive former member of the WRIF promotions department. Once gave me a tee shirt with my name embroidered on it.

Joke Bags – Synonym for any female breasts that maintain a post-implant status.

…Just Disconnected – Part of a phrase used whenever calling back a person as if to suggest there was a problem with the phone connection when it was quite obvious that they had hung up.

Kevin Bacon Connector Guy, The – A gentleman that purports to be able to connect any actor to Kevin Bacon via common films. For instance, Michael Keaton: Appeared in “Batman” with Jack Nicholson, who appeared in “A Few Good Men” with…Kevin Bacon. Was stumped with Angela Lansbury only.

Kid Gloves – To treat someone with great care, one would employ the use of said gloves.

L.P.S.G. – Acronym for Large Penis Support Group, an organization devoted to providing assistance and advocacy to well endowed males.

Lance – Affable gentleman that, despite attaining the age of 43, remains a virgin. Upon original contact it was assumed that this was a simply a radio bit, however when it became apparent that no commerce was involved it was realized that this guy was indeed for real.

Landing Strip – Describes a female pubic region that has been stylishly fashioned into a rectangular pattern. So named because such a region provides “Daddy” with a proper area in which to land his “plane.”

Later! – All written correspondence with the WRIF morning show MUST terminate with this closure.

Lawrence – Bob Boner’s gay assistant. No last name has ever been specified.

Laying Cable – Metaphorical term used to reference the act of defecation. Same as “Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool,” “Growing a Tail”, “Loafing Down”, “Releasing the Hostages”, “Stocking the Pond”, and “Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl.”

LBJ’s Shower – Drew and Mike interviewed the man that was the White House plumber during the Johnson administration, and according to him President Johnson had ordered that the shower be aimed directly at his anal region and the pressure set on high. Despite being somewhat obscure and questionable, this point is occasionally referenced on the show.

Lesbian Kiss – Game in which female contestants go to the studio and make out with each other for prizes.

Let’s Get It Up! – Frequently aired clip of UPN 50 sportscaster Ray Lane incorrectly verbalizing the 1997 Red Wings promotional phrase “Let’s Get Up!” Commonly used as a sexual reference.

Lexanna – Sweet and kindly old lady that essentially raised professional boxer Evander Holyfield, but is now broke and destitute. WRIF listeners are encouraged to send her money at: Lexanna Locke, P.O. Box 147, Atmore, AL, 36504.

Lightfoot, Ed – Local pervert that was thrown in jail for making hundreds of obscene telephone calls to area high school girls. He was actually allowed access to a telephone in jail, and used it to continue his twisted crusade. He has been ridiculed mercilessly on the show, and his character still makes occasional guest appearances. Best known for being “sorry” for his various behavioral digressions.

Lilliana – Yugoslavian slut that attempted to gain favor with Mike in order to procure access out of the country during the NATO bombing raids of early 1999.

Ling, Lisa – An actress who is often confused, primarily by Mike Clark, with fellow actress Lucy Liu. See “Brody, Adrien”, “Liu, Lucy”, “Qualls, D.J.”

Little Man in the Canoe – Synonym for the clitoris. Also “Boy in the Hood.”

Liu, Lucy – An actress who is often confused, primarily by Mike Clark, with fellow actress Lisa Ling. See “Brody, Adrien”, “Ling, Lisa”, “Qualls, D.J.”

Lloyd Ludkey Rule – States that contest winners must appear to be extremely happy, delighted, or even downright ecstatic upon being informed that they have won a prize. Stemmed from an incident in February 1999 when the gentleman that gave the rule it’s name appeared rather apathetic and unemotional after winning a trip to Maui. Later superceded by the “Mike Machesky Rule”

Loafing Down – Metaphorical term used to reference the act of defecation. Same as “Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool,” “Growing a Tail”, “Laying Cable”, “Releasing the Hostages”, “Stocking the Pond”, and “Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl.”

Log Jam – Term that alludes to the presence of an excessive amount of fecal matter.

Looney Tune – Parody song designed to be entertaining. May be an original song or a change of the words to an existing song.

Looper – Synonym for ejaculated sperm. Also “Spare Change,” “Throw,” and “Toss.”

Love Getty – A beeper-type device concocted by a Japanese inventor that is designed to activate whenever two individuals with similarly programmed interests come within 15 feet of one another. While it was originally intended to bring individuals of similar backgrounds and interests together into a social setting, it was thoroughly sullied by the WRIF morning crew when they suggested all sorts of deviant sexual behaviors to be programmed into it.

Love Jet – Spray-on Viagra-type substance purported to induce an instant erection without the negative side affects associated with more traditional pharmaceutical modalities. Invented by Japanese innovator Dr. Nakamatsu, who markets it with such catchy phrases as “Berry berry good!” and “Like a sky-a-rocket!”. May be ordered by calling (412) 810-0022.

L.O.S. – Acronym for lump of shit

Mabe, Tom – Gentleman from Kentucky that is known for harassing telemarketers in a humorous fashion. Released 2 CDs of this type of material.

Mackie – Refers to a girl from Iceland that was contacted by Drew and Mike while conducting a poll about “Bun Day,” an Icelandic holiday that occurs prior to Lent and involves the squirting of cream into pastries. She spoke in a sexually explicit manner, indicated that she was a model, and offered to send revealing photographs. While this offer initially was most tantalizing, it only led to bitter disappointment when it was eventually discovered that Mackie was indeed butt ugly. See “Fugly.”

Madonna Rotting – According to Drew, a series of chronological images of the pop star indicate that she is apparently experiencing an accelerated rate of decay.

Man Hating Brief Case Toting Beast of a Bitch – Phrase used by Mike to describe Hillary Clinton. Also “The Beast.”

Marcel Marceau – It is impossible to assign any relevant meaning to this bizarre phenomena in a printed narrative. Suffice it to say that if one person says “Marcel”, the other must respond with “Marceau.” This process will go back and forth repeatedly until one participant or the other gives up and discontinues the dialogue. Occasionally one participant will try to fool the other by stating the other’s portion of the phrase – for instance the “Marcel” individual might say “Marceau” instead. This basically never works, and only succeeds in reversing the order of the game.

Marc and Mike’s Mistakes – Describes film, music, or other cultural art recommendations that were affirmed by either of the show’s producers even though they clearly suck.

Marc’s Pooh Pooh Powder – Describes an elixir advocated by show producer Marc Fellhauer that is designed to break-up and obliterate impacted fecal matter and mucous buried deep within the colon. May be obtained by calling the manufacturer at (800) 331-8354.

Marsupial Mice – A type of rodent frequently referred to on the show that do nothing but pursue sexual activity. They do not eat, drink, sleep, or pursue any activities other than sex until eventually they die from hunger, thirst, or just plain exhaustion. These animals are held in the highest of regards by all WRIF staff members, except possibly Trudi.

Meltdown – See “Fugly.”

Menstrual Shed – Off-site shanty location where women experiencing their menstrual cycles are placed so as not to disturb others. Originally from a story about Randy Weaver, who achieved notoriety during the Ruby Ridge / FBI fiasco in the early 1990s.

Merkin – A pubic hair wig. An actual device, it first came to light during the Marv Albert trial in 1997.

Methane, Mr. – English “farteist” that can not only fart on command, but actually performs songs via flatulence. Perhaps best known for his poignant and heart warming renditions of the Titanic theme song “My Heart Will Go On” and Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called to Say I Love You.”

Mike’s Helicopter – Farcical attempt at a hobby by Mike. Thought by most to be dangerous and ill-advised.

Mike Machesky Rule – A rule which states that contest winners must at least appear to be extremely happy, delighted, or even downright ecstatic upon being informed that they have won a prize or else risk having said prize taken from them. Stemmed from an incident where a man by the name of Mike Machesky proceeded to not only show no excitement after learning he had won a trip to Maui, but instead began to question whether he could even go since he would need a babysitter for his children. He would later inquire about how much taxes he would have to pay inorder to receive the prize. Unaminously declared the station’s worst winner ever in any contests of any form. See “Lloyd Ludkey Rule”

Mike’s Misses – Describes film, music, or other cultural art recommendations that were affirmed by Mike even though they clearly suck.

Mike’s Promises – An ongoing list of promises composed of ones that Mike Clark has made the mistake of making while on the air. Most of these promises ultimately end up going unfulfilled or at the very least, take an inordinant amount of time to complete.

Milk Bags – Synonym for female breasts.

Milkshake – Mildly derogatory term used to describe someone that has lived long enough to be considered elderly. Such individuals are usually anchors. See “Anchor.”

Millennium Fire – This farce began with a gentleman named Herbert Spencer, a native of Haw River North Carolina, as he and some associates were partaking in some malted barley refreshments (pronounced “BE – AH”) while gathered around a campfire in October of 1999. At some point, while growing progressively more inebriated, the idea to keep the fire burning until the new millennium was born. Communication of this notion soon led to the “Millennium Fire” brand name, various corporate sponsorships, national media attention, the designation of a number of memorials to lost friends and family members, daily “Millennium Fire” weather forecasts, and, in essence, a degree of ridicuality that almost rivaled even that of Mike Babone.

Milton (Romanowski) – A unfortunate gentleman from Norwich, New York who ended up being retrained by his “friends” so that they could tattoo a penis onto his forehead using a homemade tattoo needle, along with the phrase, “I SUCK BIG DICK”. Drew and Mike soon discovered that Milton was a huge tool after they had him come to Detroit to have his tattoo removed by Dr. Roche. Drew and Mike concluded that the fact that he is a tool was probably the reason he was tattooed in the first place.

Minister of Fantasy, The – Phrase used to describe Mike as he depicts his hallucinatory fantasies of sexual encounters with newscasters Kam Carmen, Lucy Nolan, and Michael Ann Wolf; singer Karen Newman; or pretty much any other attractive female.

Ministered – Describes the process of being verbally undressed, groped, and sexually assaulted by Mike Clark. Also “Clarked.”

Minnesota Fabrics – Mike’s favorite store. He is frequently seen shopping here, and is usually holding his wife’s purse.

Miss O.C.C. – Character portrayed by newscaster Trudi Daniels in commercial advertisements for Oakland Community College. The prestige of this honor was greatly deflated in early 1999 when it was noted that several other radio stations had their own versions of the Miss O.C.C. character.

Miss Science – Title designated to newscaster Trudi Daniels when she attempts to explain scientific matters in her news cast.

Mitchell – Gentleman from New York that first gained fame for setting a record for the most parking tickets – over $100,000 worth – and then for being a great interview.

Mom’s Phone Number – Occasionally, staff members will agree to various wagers with listeners. As a result of several losing listeners defaulting on their obligations, it has since become official staff policy that when listeners agree to gambling arrangements with WRIF staff members they must supply the phone number of their mother so that if they lose and then default the staff can tell on them.

Money Shot – The footage of a pornographic film that depicts the male ejaculation. A favourite phrase of Paula Abdul

Morissette, Alanis – This is by far Drew’s favorite recording artist. He has professed his unconditional love for her on multiple occasions, defended her vehemently when others spoke ill of her, and basically pays homage to her at every opportunity. See “Get a Room.”

Mouse in a Haystack – Metaphorical term used to suggest the presence of a small penis. Frequently used to describe Mike’s genital status.

Mr. Big Stuff – Phrase used to describe someone that may or may not be attempting to impress others with his or her activities, usually involving someone famous. Frequently combined with Jackson 5 song of the same title. Frequently used to describe Gary Graff.

Mr. Skin – Gentleman from Chicago with savant-like recollection of scenes in films that include female nudity. He maintains a web site that can be accessed at http://www.mrskin.com. As of this writing, his recollection does not include references to male nudity.

Mrs. Jazzerzab – A woman with an extremely piercing voice who answered the phone when Drew and Mike were trying to contact a Mr. Jazzerzab about something relating to a potty chair

Mullet – Describes a particular hair style that features a close crop in the front and longer locks in the back (Business up front, party in the back!). Was marginally popular in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s in the wake of Billy Ray Cyrus’s inexplicable popularity, and is now used as a simple metaphor for people that just look stupid.

Murderer Lover – Any individual that: A) Does not support the death penalty, or B) Supports someone that has been accused of murder, even if the individual has not been convicted, since according to Drew and Mike he or she is undoubtedly guilty anyway, except for Jeffrey McDonald, with whom Mike and Trudi are both in love with.

Mushroom On A Haystack – Describing an erection and pubic hair

Mustache Bagel – The favorite food of race car driver Emo Fittipaldi, an occasional guest on the Stump Howard segment of the show.

My Penis My Buttocks – Surprisingly catchy song edited together from Michael Jackson interview and combined with dance music. Frequently left on various answering machines as a joke.

NAMBLA – Acronym for the North American Man Boy Love Association, an organized group of pedophiliac men that advocate sex with male children. Thought to represent one of the best examples of a group of sick, twisted fucks that try to force their demented perversions upon innocents under the general conceptual guise of acceptance of differences and general equality amongst individuals.

Ned – Drew’s former cat. Massively afraid of thunderstorms and vacuum cleaners.

Nerf Toss – A simple or elementary question, usually involving sports trivia.

Niagra – Potion designed to cause sexual arousal in females. Currently being sued by the makers of Viagra.

Nick – Elderly disk jockey that used to make comments designed to be entertaining. Has not been heard from in some time and may have died.

Ninety-Seven Percent – Proportion of Drew and Mike listeners known to be of African American descent. The other three percent are thought to be gay.

No Ah Ah – A negative response. Similar to “no,” but more vehement.

No! No More! No! Stop it! – Sound bite of a child screaming in agony that is frequently employed when referencing something horrible. Originally recorded when the child became trapped in a well and rescue workers were attempting to free him. It’s funny because we don’t know him. (He’s Ok).

No One is Responsible For Anything – The general principle that appears to guide our society today. For instance, Mike is not responsible for his behavior due to his being sprayed with Zinc Cadmium Sulfide as a child, Drew’s mischievous behavior stems from his coming from a broken family, and so on. Basically, this principle states that everyone has an excuse, there is no accountability, and everything is someone else’s fault.

Norris, Joe – Affable senior citizen that holds the record for the most pins knocked down during tournament bowling.

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That – General statement voiced after any reference to homosexuality. Meant to emphasize a lack of homophobia on behalf of the staff, and is intended in part to respect the feelings and inclinations of show producer Marc Fellhauer.

Nothing Weaseled, Nothing Gained – Statement meant to express the sentiment that if one does not make an attempt, one will not receive a reward.

November 7th, 2001 – Anniversary of the incident where Mike Clark backed up his truck into his garage door, causing it to dislodge from it’s runners with the final result being his truck was trapped inside the garage. Mike was left to resort to hitching a ride into work from his sister

November 22nd, 1963 – The date when US President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. A date Mike Clark remembers vividly, as he was playing with blocks as the assassination news unfolded.

Enchanted Mitten – Mike’s proposed idea for the official state motto. Completely shot to hell by Governor John Engler in a 7/16/98 interview when he pointed out to Mike that there is also an upper peninsula in Michigan.

Nut and Bolt – Describes the act of using another for sexual purposes only, and then dismissing the person completely. Also “H & D.”

October 31 – Drew Lane’s birthday.

Odometer Turning Over – Describes the point in an individual’s life when they cease to become physically attractive or sexually desirable. See “Applegate Syndrome.”

Off-The-Bag – Describes a mildly aroused penis that has begun the process of erection while not yet attaining full mast. See “Fluffed.”

Ogo Pogo – A mythological creature similar to the Loch Ness monster that is said to inhabit a lake in Canada. A woman named Arlene has written 3 books on the subject, and was interviewed on the show. While the interview itself was not overly remarkable, it was constantly interrupted by the barking of her incredibly obnoxious dog, which basically just annoyed the hell out of everyone.

Oh For Meow’s Sake – Catch phrase from Mike, stems from a story about a talking cat.

OJ Voice – Another interesting method of pronunciation that is difficult to describe in a printed narrative. Began with a certain pronunciation of “…with the kids in the house!” and then went on from there to several other areas of commentary. It is not unusual for substantial portions of the show to be broadcast in this manner.

OK Mr. Lane Guy – A foreign gentleman that was interviewed after he was arrested for attacking a child that had allegedly been overly aggressive with his son during a school soccer game. Used the words “Mr. Lane” so many times during the interview that he actually became a frequently employed drop.

Old Lady – The desired term for one’s girlfriend or spouse. Contest participants have been awarded prizes simply for referring to their significant others in this fashion.

Olga – Warren octogenarian known for showing up at city council meetings and giving the council members hell regarding a variety of issues. Originally thought to be somewhat senile and unbalanced until interviews with her demonstrated conclusively that she indeed possesses a keen intellect, and routinely is able to communicate a number of extremely valid points regarding various shenanigans and misdeeds perpetrated by Warren council members.

One-Hundred Percent Not (fill-in word) – This phrase began in 1995 with O.J. Simpson’s assertion of being “100% not guilty” of double homicide. Realizing the overt and obvious disingenuousness of this claim, the morning crew began to ridicule it relentlessly, and now any assertion of “not being” something will be prefaced in this manner.

One in the Oven – Metaphorical term indicating that a female is with child.

Ouchy The Clown – Niche marketing specialist and entrepreneur that barters sado-masochistic clown services to enthusiastic purchasers. Maintains a web site at ouchytheclown.com.

Over Served – Excuse used by individuals that wish to pass the blame for their public drunkenness or other inappropriate behavior upon those that actually served them alcoholic beverages.

Packin’ on the Pounds – Frequently referred to phrase used to describe individuals that appear to be gaining weight.

Paintjob – Describes the act of having one’s penis licked. Originally coined by Ted “Double Duty” Radcliff in a 6/18/99 interview.

Patch – Female pubic hair region. Also “Triangle,” and occasionally “Forest” (if it is a particularly dense patch).

Patchell, Ted – Openly homosexual game show contestant that had been a frequent guest on the show primarily due to his colorful and eccentric mannerisms and speech intonations.

Peanut Butter and Nanner Sandwich – The favorite food of Elvis.

Peas and Carrots – Endearing phrase uttered by Michigan chef Keith Famie while calling home during an episode of the reality show “Survivor”

Peel Off Ten – General statement articulated by Drew and basically designed to insinuate that a given female might benefit from a comprehensive weight reduction program. Originally mentioned in somewhat of an offhand manner, reactions to this statement were voluminous and essentially resulted in an avalanche of abrogating commentary directed toward Drew and an outpouring of venomous negativity rarely observed throughout the history of the show.

Phillip from Livonia – Clueless sports trivia caller that bet Howard Cosell one million dollars on a sports trivia question, lost, and then disappeared.

Pile Driving – Describes the act of particularly energetic, lively, and vigorous sexual intercourse.

Piling On – The act of ganging up upon others. Generally occurs when one individual insults or speaks ill of another, and then all others present decide to do the same.

Pin Cushion – Synonym for a slut, implying that she has been jabbed repeatedly by many different penises, similarly to a pin cushion and many pins

Pine Knob – Outdoor amphitheater located in Clarkston. Has since become another victim of corporate sponsorship and is now referred to as “The DTE Energy Theatre”

Plane Man – Mike’s alter ego whenever discussing anything concerning air flight. Stems from the fact that Mike is a licensed pilot (a fact that is incredibly frightening to anyone familiar with Mike’s psychological peculiarities). In some cases this character will only speak through an airplane radio.

Plasty – Medical term meaning “surgical repair.” Generally used to indicate that an individual’s sexual organs have received so much abuse as to require surgical intervention. See “Iodine.”

Poison Ivy Patch – Describes a female genital region that appears to be in constant need of physical stimulation.

Pom Pom – Term describing oral sex as performed upon a male by another individual of either gender. Also: “Sack Lunch,” “Skull,” “Beejer,” “Face,” and a bunch of others that I can’t remember.

Pooper Trooper – Describes a female that, while not totally enamored with the thought of H.R.A. participation, is willing to submit in order to please her partner. See “H.R.A.”

Potent Patch – Term used to describe an impressive or sexually desirable female pubic region. Also “Strong Triangle.”

Potty Animals – A musical compact disc filled with humourous songs about going to the washroom. Originally intended to assist in potty training children

Powder Room – Any room in which a senior citizen achieves orgasm. See “Dust.”

President Banana – Name of a former head of state from Africa that was thrown out of office for outlandish homosexual behavior that he forced upon males both within and outside of his administration. Basically, any time the word “banana” is mentioned on the show there is a very good chance that this individual will be referenced.

Product – Gentler euphemism for orgasmic output. For instance: “He left the product on her cans.” See “Cans.”

PSI – Pounds per square inch. Standard used to gauge the level of pressure that exists within a male’s loins. Directly related to the amount of time since the last sexual encounter. A high PSI has been known to cause back pressure. See “Full Bag.”

Psychic Trivia – Game in which a topic is presented, and the listeners are then invited to call in and guess the answer to a question that has not yet been revealed. Hints are generally provided periodically until someone correctly guesses the answer to the unnamed question. This game sometimes starts impromptu when listeners been to call in at the mere mention of a contest by Drew and Mike even though the trivia question contestants must answer has yet to be announced.

Psycho Cat Lady, The – A deranged lunatic who contacted the police and requested an officer to remove her cat, apparently because she had become convinced that it represented some type of threat to her health. When the 911 operator informed her that such a task was not the responsibility of the police, the woman went into a psychotic tirade that, while incredibly amusing, was also quite disturbing, and has become a sort of metaphor for mentally unstable, psychopathic, disturbed, crackpot individuals everywhere.

Psycho Ex-Girlfriend – Describes Jill, a former companion of Mark McElwain, a gentleman from the Dallas area. This obviously dysfunctional and unbalanced individual left more than 50 messages on McElwain’s answering machine over a short period of time, occasionally spanning only a few minutes between ravings. The narrative pattern of her tirades varied wildly, fluctuating between conspicuous, acrimonious antipathy and sorrow-ridden, melancholy wailing. The pattern is clearly indicative of a variety of diagnosable psychopathological afflictions that any guy who’s ever dumped a psycho hose beast bitch will recognize immediately.

Pulling a Wolters – Describes the act of creating a serious social faux pax, and stems from multiple incidents caused by show co-producer Mike Wolters. The most notable of these was one in which Mr. Wolters had completed an off-air interview with an openly gay man and, thinking that the conversation had ended proceeded to exclaim loudly “That guy wants to fuck me.” Of course, the gentleman was still on the line and heard the exclamation, causing the entire staff to spend hours devising ways in which to fix the problem.

Pumping Full of Air – Mike’s favorite metaphor for the act of sexual intercourse. This phrase is uttered quite frequently despite the fact that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever from either a grammatical or syntactic perspective.

Punching Bag – Sexually permissive female.

Punching the Clown – Metaphor for the act of male masturbation. Also “Belting the Bald Bishop,” “Floggin’ It,” and “Wristin’ It.”

Pushing Your Voice – Forbidden practice of attempting to make one’s self sound more hip, cool, or otherwise socially attractive via alterations in normal vocal inflection. Practiced by Rod, Ed, and numerous other losers featured on the show, and strictly prohibited during the Stump the Staff segment. The general concept has also now been transferred to other an abundance of other activities, as various individuals have been accused of pushing their eyes, foreheads, chests, funniness, skinniness, intelligence, eyebrows, anger, love, and other attributes.

Put a Roof On It! – Statement directed at a particularly impressive bowel movement. Stems from the notion that a “log” house should have a roof, and refers to the green-slatted roofs common with the Lincoln Log toys.

Putney, Scot – Also known as “The Guru”, Scot occasionally would comment on computer-related issues.

Qualls, D.J. – An actor appearing in typically lighter fare who has become an ongoing joke on the show orginating from the fact that he resembles more distinguished actor Adrien Brody. The show will often times purposely interchange the names of the two actors as if they were doing so unknowingly. The show will usually continue the act despite an onslaught of phone calls and emails in an attempt to correct the mistake. For example: “D.J. Qualls was wonderful in the remake of ‘King Kong’.” See “Brody, Adrien”, “Ling, Lisa”, “Liu, Lucy”

Rack – Synonym for a pair of female breasts.

Rackstress – Term that describes a female that possesses unusually large mammary glands.

Radio For One – Occasional segment of the show in which a portion of the broadcast is directed at one individual only.

Rag Doll – Used to describe the falling or tumbling body of an unconcious or dead person similarly to that of a actual rag doll.

Rectal Gonorrhea – A disease commonly referred to on the show that is known for attacking the lining of the sphincter and causing swelling, pain, and the discharge of pus.

Red Ball Harness Set – Sexual device often referred to on the show. Originally from the film Pulp Fiction, Drew and Mike were able to convince Bob Barker to utter the phrase and the resulting audio clip is now frequently aired.

Red Ass – Term that describes an individual that is upset about something. Stems from the visual image of one’s glowing buttocks shortly after receiving a spanking.

Redmond, Mickey – Former right winger for the Montreal Canadians and the Detroit Red Wings, was the first right winger to score 50 goals in a season. Has a total of 4 Stanley Cup rings; two as a player for the Canadians and two as an announcer with the Red Wings. Provides hockey commentary and analysis for the show throughout the hockey season. Fond of both beer and Metallica.

Releasing the Hostages – Metaphorical term used to reference the act of defecation. Also “Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool”, “Growing a Tail”, “Laying Cable”, and “Loafing Down”, “Stocking the Pond”, and “Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl.”

Rest Ring – Indentation formed in particularly large outputs of fecal matter, created as the excretor paused for a rest from the birthing of such colossal mahogany newborns.

Rinks, Denise – Woman terminated from her greenhouse-related occupation for frequently offending her coworkers with excessive flatulation and forcing unwanted pastoral care upon her colleagues. Generally recognized as a radically annoying individual because hey – what could be worse than a preachy farting bitch?

R.J. – Acronym for “rim job”, which describes the process of circling someone’s anus with one’s tongue. Also used as a common indicator of fecal matter in public swimming areas. For instance: “Macomb County today closed Metro Beach in response to fecal content that approached 12 RJs. Back to you Carmen.” See “Footnote 220.”

Roach – Spaced-out pot head and drug abuser that occasionally comments on various topics. Friend of Stash. Also used to introduce looney tunes.

Road Bob – Phrase initially coined by Trudi Daniels that describes the act of fellatio as administered in a moving vehicle.

Rock Room – Area of one’s home dedicated to rock and roll paraphernalia. At first thought to be silly until it was acknowledged that everyone on the show has one.

Rocket Guy – Rich guy that is in the process of building a rocket to launch himself to a high altitude (but NOT into space). Considered to have just enough resources and absence of brains to make it happen.

Rod – Pathetic loser that began an internet campaign designed to attract a potential bride by offering a reward of $10,000 to the referral source. Known for his offerings of trite and banal prose designed to convince women that he was anything other than his true loser self. Never married, never paid any referral fees to anyone, and essentially just used his twisted scheme to gain sexual access to unsuspecting females that were foolish enough to believe him sincere. Also pushed his voice.

Rolling the Bean – Describes the act of female masturbation, and derives its name from the visual image of a female digitally manipulating the clitoris.

Rolo Rock – Infectious melody frequently employed as the introduction to the traffic report.

Ronin – Drew’s alternative name, which he prefers both because it is cool and because he spent much of his life being called “Andy,” which is undeniably a pussy name.

Rottweiler Farts – According to the Beano organization, these are the worst smelling type of dog farts. The fact that anyone had thought to measure such a thing has been a source of considerable amusement on the show.

Rubbery Shlong – Mike’s longing and desirous description of the visual appearance of a male erection.

Salty Meat Explosion Day – Actual holiday celebrated in Iceland, this festive occurrence take place the day after Bun Day. See “Mackie.”

Sausage Fest – Any event attended predominately by men.

Scotty – Sleazy individual that held the record for being married more times than anyone else. Despite his advanced age, many of his brides were in their teens, and were acquired via the mail from various third world nations. He died in 1998.

Sea Hunt – Mike’s favorite show from his childhood. His favorite part was when they would cut a SCUBA diver’s air hose.

Seasoned Whore – Coined by Mike, this refers to a particularly skanky prostitute or otherwise slutty woman

Sebum Head – According to Drew, this is a medical condition apparently suffered by newscaster Trudi Daniels. See “Apparently.”

Second Brainwashed – Term used to describe the mental state of any male who appears to use a decision making criteria that revolves solely around how the decision will affect his sex life.

Seed Bag – A scrotum

Semi-Holidays – Great outrage has been expressed on the show regarding holidays in which the government basically shuts down put everyone else (most importantly Drew and Mike) still have to work. Such holidays include Martin Luther King JR’s Birthday, Veteran’s Day, and Columbus Day.

Separated At Birth – See “Audio Separated at Birth”

September 18 – Anniversary of the Great Coffee Spill. See also “Did They Ever Caulk This Board?”

Sequoia – Known as a large species of tree that is composed of a exceptionally dense genus of wood, this designation is often applied as a metaphor for a particularly large and inflexible erection.

Service After the Sale – Describes how Drew and Mike explain how great a previous portion of the show was in case those currently listening missed it.

Seth – Extremely successful young entrepreneur responsible for several web sites offering a variety of pornographic services. Held in very high esteem by the WRIF staff. See “Clublove.com”

Seven-Second Delay – Amount of time between when a word is spoken and when it is broadcast on the air. Used to prevent F.C.C. fines in the event of profanity.

Seventh-Man In – A media story regarding a prostitute that had open sores on her body attached an additional possible participant to the previously exclusive “Sixth-Man In” theory. See “Sixth-Man In.”

Sheet Ripper – Phrase that describes a particularly impressive passage of flatulence.

Sheila – Feisty office manager for Greater Detroit Radio, owner of WRIF. Best known for her brutal, coarse, and take-no-prisoners approach to keeping the thieving, pilfering, and generally disreputable WRIF employees in line. Celebrated her 24th anniversary with the organization on 4/18/01.

Shiny Turgidity – Phrase that describes an erection that is emitting seminal fluid prior to full ejaculation. Also “Glistener.”

Shirt for Shirt – Game occasionally played when the broadcast emanates from a location other than the studio. Women in the audience are offered free shirts if they are willing to change into the new garment in front of everyone. Basically represents a shameless opportunity to view attractive women in the process of changing shirts.

Shoot and scoot. – Describes the process of achieving orgasm only to quickly evacuate the area. Also “Throw and go.”

Short Bus – Term for vehicles known to transport developmentally disabled individuals. Generally used to insinuate that someone is intellectually challenged, as in “I think he just got off the short bus.”

Show and Tell – A segment that is very similar to the childhood game of the same name, in which a member of the show will bring something in and tell the others about it. The others will generally try their best to discredit whatever has been presented.

Shrine of the Little Flower – Catholic school that Mike attended as a child, where he was constantly physically abused by the nuns. Thought to be a primary factor in causing his disturbed psychiatric disposition.

Shut Up Little Man – Phrase used to describe the trials and tribulations of Peter and Ray, two elderly gay alcoholics from San Francisco. Several of their arguments and confrontations were recorded by a neighbor, and the resulting dialog has come to be universally recognized as some of the funniest audio clips ever aired on any station anywhere.

Shut Your Five Hole – Statement made to a female indicating that she should restrict access to her vaginal area.

Shut Your Pie Hole – Also “Shut Your Goddamn Piehole.” Phrase uttered by Robert DiNero and used to degrade and dismiss someone who is making a comment thought to be offensive, incorrect, or simply in conflict with the way Drew and Mike view any given issue.

Silly Cones – Metaphor for breast implants.

Silver Fox – Term used to describe the pubic region of an elderly female.

Simba – Allegedly loud-mouthed dog belonging to Helen, a resident of Dearborn. The dog was actually evicted from the city due to frequent complaints of excessive barking.

Singing Psychic, The – Fran Baskerville, a bizarre individual whose voice resembles that of the psychic lady in the “Poltergeist” films and purports to have clairvoyant abilities that were thrust upon her after being struck by a truck. She communicates her so-called “psychic abilities” by strumming a guitar and singing the “messages.” Any claim to psychic ability was completely and conclusively discredited when she stated that Mike was “hung” and that Trudi did not desire HRA-related activities. As if.

Sixth-Man In – Term that describes what is considered to be the last possible male participant that could reasonably become involved in sexual relations with a female. The logic proceeds as follows: One penis inserted vaginally, one anally, one for the mouth, one in each hand, and, finally, a sixth participant to slide his penis between the breasts. Although it has not been explicitly stated on the show, it should perhaps be acknowledged that there are probably a few small-dicked nose or ear fuckers out there that would destroy this rationale. Also of note is the hideously disgusting yet theoretically possible concept of a “Seventh Man In,” as described above.

Skank – An adjective that describes anything disgusting. It generally is attached to a noun in order to complete a descriptive sentence, such as “House of Skank,” “Neighborhood of Skank,” “City of Skank,” etc.

Sminty – Columnist for the Detroit Free Press who writes the “Names and Faces” column. Usually offers favorable views of the show, but can be unpredictable. Frequently refers to Drew and Mike as the “Joy Boys”, “Rudesome Dudesome”, and “Fecal Fun Boys”, which has prompted Drew and Mike to change his name from John Smyntek to “Sminty.” It is generally considered impossible to be a local celebrity without being mentioned in his column.

Snow Cones – Favorite snack food of Mike. Great outrage has been expressed on the show over the apparent disappearance of snow cones from mainstream entertainment venues such as carnivals, fairs, and ball games. This hostility was only partially minimized by the presentation to Mike of a snow cone making machine.

So Ah Guy, The – Nameless individual that for years has anonymously mailed interesting insights and comments to the station. Statements always begin with “So, ah …..” Amazingly, his voice on the show sounds exactly like that of Stash.

Sommy – Alias of 9th grader Billy Tamai who lived in Emeryville, Ontario (just outside Windsor) who managed, for a short time, to trick his family, police, and various media organizations into thinking that the Tamai home had been invaded by a cyber terrorist of some sort who had total control over every device in the house via the phone lines and power grid. In the end, the child was merely speaking while inhaling to create a “masked voice” while speaking over a phone extension in the home. He also flipped circuit breakers to turn appliances on and off.

Sound Effects Theater – An occasional segment of the show in which various sound effects are utilized in order to present humorous anecdotes and stories.

Soybomb – Name bestowed upon a peculiar gentleman from New York that painted the word “SOYBOMB” on his chest and performed an unscheduled and bizarre dance routine during Bob Dylan’s performance of “Love Sick” at the 1998 Grammy Awards. The word “soybomb” apparently refers to some type of protest about something that no one really gives a damn about anyway.

Spare Change – Synonym for ejaculated sperm. Also “Looper,” “Throw,” and “Toss.”

Sparky – WRIF staffer frequently responsible for problems related to the WRIF web site.

Speaking in the Third Person – Referring to one’s self as though a separate entity. Frequently attempts are made to get low-level celebrities to speak in this manner as a method of pointing out how ludicrous his or her situation is. For instance, one may ask Mr. Babone “So what’s next for Mike Babone?”

Spinner – A petite female, generally defined as 5’ 3” or less, and 105 lbs. or less. Stems from the notion that such an individual could easily be placed upon the penis and rotated about quickly for the purpose of amusement and sexual gratification.

Spooning – Describes the act of lying in bed together closely, like spoons in a silverware drawer. Generally used in a homosexual context.

Springing Into Action – Term frequently voiced by Drew as he trumpets how he went about solving any of a variety of issues or problems.

Springy Job – Dual meanings: A) a pubic hair, or B) Jerry Springer

Springy Job, Mrs. – Jerry Springer’s wife

Sports Blotter – Occasional segment of the news cast that deals solely with professional athletes that have run afoul of the law.

Squash Bananas Up His Ass – (Sung) Phrase uttered by a Disney toy that was marketed shortly after the release of “The Lion King” film. While Disney officials stated that the utterance was actually a Swahili phrase, careful scrutiny of the narration leaves little doubt as to the actual content of the doll’s declaration.

Stacy – Young female employee of the WRIF sales department that is thought to be physically attractive. Despite such external splendor, Stacy has clearly exhibited psychologically vicious tendencies by rejecting and insulting would-be suitors on the air, once even stating before approximately 500,000 listeners that one such gentleman had a zit that made him look like he had been “walloped upside the head.”

Stadium Pal – Device that allows attendees of sporting events and concerts to avoid the use of bathroom facilities by simply urinating where ever they may be. Essentially consists of standard medical devices, including a condom catheter, tubing, and a urinary retention bag that is strapped to the leg.

Stash – Spaced-out pot head and drug abuser that occasionally comments on various topics. Friend of Roach.

Steely – Used to describe a penis at the height of it’s erect state. Also “Steely Hard”.

Stenosis – Constriction or narrowing of a passageway or opening, such as in the spinal column. This is the condition that kept Drew off the air for 5 months in 1998. Generally, this condition only results in 3 – 4 weeks off of work. See “It’s Crazy.”

Stinkyface – In a two woman catfight where one woman smothers the other’s face with her crotch. The clarion call of Carolinacatfights.com.

Stocking the Pond – Yet another metaphorical term used to reference the act of defecation. Same as “Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool”, “Growing a Tail”, “Laying Cable”, “Loafing Down”, “Releasing the Hostages”, and “Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl.”

Stress, Mr. – Emotionally-challenged, tension-riddled, anxiety-filled, award-winning traffic reporter.

Strong Triangle – Used to describe a particularly seductive and desirable female pubic region. Also “Potent Patch.”

Stump Howard – Discontinued sports trivia segment in which callers phone in sports trivia questions to be answered by Howard Cosell.

Stump Howard Rules – Question must involve events that occurred in 1965 or after, no 2-parters or multi-parters are allowed, and football, baseball, or basketball are the only sports that callers may inquire about. College questions must involve Division I teams only. Howard is allowed 3 guesses and may ask for hints. Callers may be awarded a prize if Howard is unable to correctly answer the question, if the correct answer was given only after several quality hints were granted, if the question is deemed to be of superior quality to other questions, or for various other reasons. Female callers that speak to Howard in a sexually explicit manner generally win by default.

Stump The Staff – Interactive game in which listeners are invited to call in with trivia questions in an attempt to stump all present staff members. Callers are only allowed one question, and tremendous attempts are made to get them to waste it with such pointless inquiries such as “How are you?” or “What’s happening?” Even an inflected question such as “Hello?” or “What?” is sufficient grounds for disqualification, and every attempt will be made to trick the caller into such a faux paux. Rules for this game are usually invented or changed while the game is in progress and will sometimes be named after the contest participant who first inspired them.

Stump the Staff Rules – (Revised Sept 03, 2006) Violation of any of the following rules is cause for immediate dismissal from the game:

CALLERS MAY NOT:

◦ Ask pre-1970 questions

◦ Ask multi-part questions

◦ Exhibit robotic behavior

◦ Be pushy weasels

◦ Sound stupid

◦ Ask “co-star” questions

◦ Ask “stupid wiener” questions

◦ Order the hosts around

◦ Kiss the host’s asses

◦ Ask repetitive questions, or be repetitive at all in general

◦ Call anyone “baby”

◦ Eat while playing the game

◦ Be a dick to L.T.

◦ Talk over Butt Mike

◦ Laugh over Butt Mike

◦ Male bash

◦ Be a pain in the ass

◦ Try to be funny

◦ Ask Crispin Glover, Craig Biggio, or action hero questions

◦ Ask birthday questions (Keith Cameron rule)

◦ Be a snob

◦ Try to sound sexy (men only)

◦ Flesh out questions on the air

◦ Push their voice (Rod violation)

◦ Be overly polite

◦ Say “Hoooooooowwweeellll!!! Michigan”

◦ Ask deflected pass questions

◦ Say “good morning” more than once

◦ Pronounce the “T” in football

◦ Ask “piece of equipment” questions

◦ Be on speaker phone

◦ Ask hockey draft questions

◦ Ask Pro Bowl questions

◦ Ask questions that were already asked

◦ Ask “Maggie, Lisa, or Bart Simpson” questions

◦ Ask “second place” questions

◦ Act weird

◦ Ask “first line in the movie” questions

◦ Ask “running length” questions

◦ Say “Right On”

◦ Be trite

◦ Display clueless activity

◦ Breathe hard (men only)

◦ Be too excited

◦ Be a turd

◦ Whine

◦ Ask questions to people, whether on or off the air (ie: questions asked to people in the background count as the one question accepted in the game)

◦ Ask a question after winning. Prizes may be taken away by Drew and Mike even if they already awarded said prize.

◦ Ask Frank Reich questions

◦ Ask middle name questions

◦ Ask “character name” questions

◦ Say “Howdy, howdy”

◦ Yell “Yo”

◦ Yell to people off the air so you can let them know that you’re on the air

◦ Sound gay

◦ Ask arts and literature questions

◦ Have crying babies, ever

◦ Ask “football bell” questions (what this rule actually is, even Drew and Mike seem to have forgotten)

◦ Ask “milestones happened against” questions, aka “what team happened against” questions

◦ Use a bad cellphone

◦ Use cheezy slang ie. “I’m doing jivey.”

◦ Reference their husbands or boyfriends (women only) aka Sam’s Law

◦ Use the word “eclipse”

◦ Interrupt plugs, especially for Cold Stone Creamery

◦ Use headsets on cell phones. (The James Singely rule)

◦ Lie

◦ Ask team questions? (Dan Tool rule?)

◦ Talk over drops

◦ Butt-in while staff is conferring about an answer

◦ Ask attendance questions

◦ Ask team record questions

◦ Sound romantic (men only)

◦ Use a stupid nickname (The Moosey Rule)

◦ Ask a Mark Eaton question (Mike Cossack rule)

◦ Ask a retired number question

◦ Utter the word “peace” or the phrase “peace out”

◦ Ask an ownership or other organizational questions

◦ Ask mythical questions

◦ Ask race or nationality questions

◦ Ask a blocked punt question

◦ Say “Roger Dodger”

◦ Ask a “hit for the cycle” baseball question

◦ Ask Silverdome questions

◦ Ask baseball pop fly questions

◦ Ask draft pick questions (beyond the 1st round)

◦ Exhibit “Fonzi” like behaviour (ie. say “Hey” in a drawn out fashion like the character on Happy Days)

◦ Say “Sorry” in a drawn out fashion (although using it as a crutch to overcome a stuttering impairment is acceptable)

◦ Ask a football penalty question unless the play involved is well known

◦ Ask a point after touchdown (PAT) question (The Dan Wilson Rule)

◦ Ask a question about triples (baseball)

◦ Ask a “hit for the cycle” baseball question

◦ Ask an exhibition game question (The Dan Wilson Rule)

◦ Refer to anyone as “Boss”

◦ Ask anymore questions about the final game at Tiger Stadium

◦ Ask a year question (Will Roberts Rule)

◦ Ask a question where the answer would be how many times something happened

◦ Ask a team point total or margin of victory questions

◦ Say “No sir” in response to a wrong answer

CALLERS MUST:

◦ Carry the burden of conversation

◦ Be engaging

◦ Be nice to Trudi

◦ Respond to Gary Coleman

◦ Know the answer to their question

◦ Respond to L.T.

◦ Respond to Rod

◦ Respond to Jerry (the San Francisco Jacks guy)

◦ Respond to Borat

◦ Respond to Mrs. Jazzerzab

◦ Respond to other drops, as appropriate

◦ Be excited if they win (Mike Machesky rule, formerly the Lloyd Ludkey rule)

◦ Understand that the staff gets three guesses before the caller wins (unless the staff gives in sooner)

◦ Understand the delay

◦ Understand that the staff may use any and all resources to answer a question

◦ Understand all the rules even though Drew and Mike are not obligated to read them

◦ Understand that all errors are in favor of the staff

◦ Accept the name Drew and Mike give you

◦ Understand that the rules may be changed at anytime

◦ Have a source that the Staff can quickly reference for verification purposes

◦ Have command of their question. The contestant should know the details surrounding your question, where it originated, and most of all, understand it.

◦ Answer bra size questions (Women only)

CALLERS MAY:

◦ Bail themselves out of trouble by quickly referring to themselves in the third person. This tactic is typically only accepted if a question has been inadvertantly asked.

◦ Be grandfathered and allowed to continue playing the game if something they do creates a new rule to be made at that moment. This, of course, is up to the discretion of Drew and Mike and usually depends on how annoying the person is.

Stunt Winners – Substitute “winners” that are called upon whenever the actual winner of any given contest appears apathetic, dispassionate, or phlegmatic despite having been awarded a prize. Although the substitutes receive no prize, they are expected to feign delight, slander other callers that did not win, and thank Jesus for their good fortune. See “Lloyd Ludkey Rule.”.

Sultan of Brown Eye – A slight variation on the name of the Sultan of Brunei, a rich Arab who is known for allegedly bringing American beauty contest winners and participants to his country so that he can sexually abuse them. Also famous for naming his yacht “TITS”, and it’s two smaller excursion vehicles “Nipple One” and “Nipple Two.”

Sunshine – Name of the dog that the “I’m Going to Have Your Ass Burnt” guy had sex with. See “I’m Going to Have Your Ass Burnt.”

Super Seat – Supposedly odorless toilet created by Charlie, an Asian inventor. Basically, it consisted of a plastic toilet device connected to a powerful ventilation system designed to suck the stench away. It cost $25.00 and was guaranteed to last 10 years.

Sword Fighting – Metaphorical term used to suggest homosexual behavior between men. Derives its name from the visual image of two men swinging their penises at each other.

T.C. – Pilot of Sky Crib, former guest of the show. Has not been heard from for some time and his segment has been discontinued pending financial negotiations with Program Director Doug Podell. Occasionally pops up on the afternoon show.

T n G – Throw and Go. Describes the act of achieving orgasm only to quickly vacate the immediate area. See “Throw.”

Taint – 1) Term that describes the perineum, which is the region between the vulva and the anus in a female and the area between the scrotum and the anus in a male. Comprised largely of skin, muscle, and fasciae, this body structure is so described because it “taint” here and it “taint” there. Also “Fleshy Fun Bridge.” 2) General term used to describe anything thought to be contaminated. Frequently used to describe an unsanitary vaginal area.

Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl – Yet another reference to the act of defecation. For those of you counting, that makes 7. Same as “Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool, “Growing a Tail”, “Laying Cable”, “Loafing Down”, “Releasing the Hostages”, and “Stocking the Pond

Talbert, Bob – (Revised) Irreverent and rascally writer for the Detroit Free Press known for publishing columns that were deemed to be mildly derogatory towards the show. These columns led to a good-natured rivalry and relatively affable verbal sparring between Mr. Talbert and Drew and Mike. Bob passed away in late 1999, bringing an end not only to this rather amiable and amusingly antagonistic competition, but also to over three decades of a unique and colorful style of local reporting that came to epitomize Mr. Talbert’s style of writing.

Tantric Sex – Describes a type of sexual activity popularized by the rock star Sting that lasts for hours and involves tremendous psychological control on the part of the male. Generally ridiculed by Drew and Mike because hey, who the hell has time for that?

Taste of Tate – Audio clips of Tate farting used to punish or disgust individuals thought to be deserving of such treatment See “Tate”.

Tasting Massengill – Euphemism for oral sex as performed upon a female.

Tate – Local man that is able to fart on command. Was quite popular on the show until the discovery of Mr. Methane. See “Mr. Methane.”

TCB With a Flash – Borrowed from Elvis, this phrase is used frequently on the show and basically describes acts of resolving business issues in a quick and efficient manner.

TD – Abbreviation for “Toxic Dick,” a phrase that was first applied to Dennis Rodman for obvious reasons. The phrase has also been applied to others, most notably actor Edward Norton, due to his alleged sexual liaisons with Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, and Cameron Diaz.

Tea Bagging – Describes the act of hovering one’s testicles over the mouth of another, and then dropping them in, as if a tea bag into a cup. Originally from the John Walters movie “Pecker.”

Team Photo – Term that describes the total number of sexual partners that one has accumulated in a lifetime. For instance, sexually promiscuous individuals would have a large “team photo.”

Ted the Anchor – Describes Ted, a local mechanic and friend of the show, that is best known for his anchor-like tendencies. See “Anchor.”

Teletubbies – Children’s show that became quite popular with members of the show. The frequently heard youthful chorus of “Uh oh!,” “Again,” and “Time for Tubbie Bye-Bye” stem from this program.

Telling Your Story – The act of presenting one’s individual interpretation of a set of circumstances. Used to bait callers into a trap in which Drew and Mike pretend to sympathize with the victim’s viewpoints so that the victim will articulate them, only to be pounced upon after the interview has run long enough that termination of the conversation is considered inconsequential. Victims of this practice are generally quite deserving of the abuse.

Temperature Given as the Number of a Sports Player – The current or expected air temperature will frequently be stated in the form of the number of a sports player. For instance, on a very cold morning it might stated that “It is Gordie Howe right now” (9 degrees), or a hot day could be broadcast as “We are expecting a high of Sergei Federov” (91 degrees). This practice has been known to become somewhat ridiculous, with statements such as “Should reach about Elway squared plus Kozlov today” (62 degrees, 7 x 7 + 13).

Ten Second Radio Graffiti – Segment in which listeners are allowed to phone in and speak their minds about various topics for 10 seconds. Callers are generally allowed to substantially exceed the 10 second limit if the opinion presented concurs with that of Drew and Mike’s.

Testicular Feminization – Chromosomal disorder that gives an individual of one gender certain characteristics of the opposite sex. According to a long standing rumor, an unidentified famous individual in Hollywood suffers from this disorder, and tremendous controversy was generated on the show when it was suggested that it may be Jamie Lee Curtis.

Tess – Drew’s current girlfriend.

The Bigger the Asshole, the Greater the Fertility – Another general rule of physics as defined by Drew and Mike that proclaims that poor, white trash assholes seem to spawn more brats than average individuals.

The Thing Itself – Mythological, pseudo-spiritual experience similar to a religious epiphany sought by members of the San Francisco Jacks organization and show producer Marc Fellhauer.

Theater of the Mind – Occasional segment of the show in which the hosts attempt to create the illusion that something is occurring when indeed it is not.

There’s a Boner Behind Everything – General observation frequently noted on the show that asserts that whenever there is a media story that doesn’t quite make sense or appears to be missing some critical data element, in the end it will revolve around someone’s sexual desires.

Thigh Highs and Four Inch Pumps – The unequivocally favorite fetish of Mike.

Thought Time Is The Same Everywhere – Used as an excuse when calling people in other times zones when they would most likely still be asleep.

Throaty Bowie – A recording of David Bowie material favored by Mike that presents vocals sung from deep in the throat. Thought to stir latent homosexual feelings and desires in Mike.

Throw – Dual meaning: 1). (Noun) The male ejaculate. 2). (Verb) To ejaculate sperm. Also “Looper,” “Spare Change,” and “Toss.”

Throw and Go – Describes the process of achieving orgasm only to quickly evacuate the area. Also “Shoot and scoot.”

Throwing Mud – The act of bespeckling one’s undergarments or environmental area when one was only attempting to pass flatulence. While generally performed accidentally, it can occasionally can be accomplished intentionally.

Tickets by Intimidation – Segment in which listeners are asked to call in and attempt to win tickets to various events by intimidating Drew and Mike.

Time Out – Punishment administered to Mike whenever his pedophiliac or other ravings are thought to be out of control.

Tiny Boo – Name of a Vietnamese pot bellied pig that ran away from home only to be captured by a neighbor and slaughtered. The neighbor then placed the creature’s head on the hood of his car as an ornament, and proceeded to tell the owners of the pet how good it tasted. Great empathy for this unfortunate little animal was demonstrated on the show, showing a kinder, gentler side of Drew and Mike not often revealed to the general public.

Tipping is Out if Hand – A general observation that has been made on the show. Tip jars are showing up at fast food establishments, hotels, dry cleaners, and other entities where tips previously were not expected, and Drew and Mike are particularly pissed off about it.

Titmitized – Describes individuals that are captivated and spellbound by female breasts.

To the Leftus – Correct response to the question “How’s it hanging?”, refers to the positional status of one’s genitalia.

Toilet Baby-sitting – Describes the act of standing over a lavatory facility after an initial flush, anxiously awaiting the opportunity to flush again. Generally necessitated by remnants that remained in the bowl after the initial flush. See “Cloud Deck” and “Courtesy Flush.”

Tooooooooooo Bad! – A taunt similar to “Boo boo boo boo.” Originated by Mike in October of 1999 when the Michigan State Spartans defeated the Wolverines, and was then used against him without mercy the very next week when Sparty got his ass kicked by Purdue. This one caught on very quickly, and continues to be utilized as a potent and effective tool for inflicting mockery and ridicule upon any deserving party. See “Boo boo boo boo.”

Toss – Dual meaning: 1). (Noun) The male ejaculate. 2). (Verb) To ejaculate sperm.. Also “Looper,” “Spare Change” and “Throw.”

Toss My Salad – Invitation from one man to another to perform oral sex on his anal region. Originally from an HBO special on prisons.

Totaled – A more sexual version of the standard definition, usually applied to female body parts, inparticular the vagina and associated anatomy. For example: “That slut’s crotch is totaled, call in the insurance adjuster”

Totally Farcical Call – A telephone call that is obviously silly or irrelevant. Taken from Al Michael’s statement to Peter Jennings after Mr. Jennings was unwittingly duped into believing that a “Mr. Higgins” was reporting live from the scene at O.J. Simpson’s house on the day of his arrest.

TR – Taylor Rap. Describes a magical form of loquacious and hypnotic verbiage articulated by former New York Giants linebacker and part-time actor Lawrence Taylor that causes him to become irresistible to women. Must be used only with the greatest of caution, as once it is activated it cannot be retracted until after the completion of a sexual act.

Triangle – Female pubic hair region. Also “Patch.”

Trim – Describes the procurement of sexual gratification. For example: “I got some trim last night.”

Trish – Mike’s wife. Generally thought to be a saint for putting up with Mike.

Troy – Fictional fragrance designed for homosexual men. Ridicules Dallas Cowboy quarterback Troy Aikman and his allegedly ambiguous sexual preferences.

Truck Tree Guy – Describes Mark, a gentleman from Wisconsin who actually hired out a construction lift and had a truck installed in his tree. When confronted with this obvious absurdity, he became overly combative, openly belligerent, and basically conducted himself in a militant and hostile manner. Despite attaining the age of 48 years, this simpleton claimed to be an exotic dancer with the body of a 23 year old. Upon further inquiry however, it was discovered that he only dances once a year, and for free. He claimed to have significant resources, and yet was unable to fully explain his source if income. Generally offensive and megalomanical in nature, it is considered exceptionally rare that a bigger asshole is ever encountered in such a public forum. See “Ahhhhhhhssshhole.”

True Crime Books – Such publications are unequivocally Drew’s favorite type of reading material, and represent the vast majority of his literary indulgences.

Trudi News, ERRR! – The official moniker for the Trudi’s newscast, as bestowed by former actor and cancer victim Mr. T.

Trudi Gaze – Describes the “come hither” look that newscaster Trudi Daniels has been known to bestow upon individuals that she has taken a sexual interest in. These individuals include Jeff Daniels, Matt Lauer, Drew Barrymore, and others.

Trudi U – Bowling Green University, where Trudi “News” Daniels attended college.

Trudi’s Turkeys – Describes film, music, or other cultural art recommendations that were affirmed by Trudi even though they clearly suck.

Trumpeting – Describes the act of bragging about or excessively praising something.

Tubbie Bye-Bye – A discourteous and degrading method of dismissing callers from any of the interactive games played on the show. See “Teletubbies.”

Tugfest – Describes the act of pulling upon one’s own nipples. See “H.S.A.”

Tullet – Describes a toupee or other artificial hair piece that has been fashioned into a mullet. Generally considered to represent the absolute most ridiculous that anyone can possible make themselves appear. See “Mullet.”

Turdburgling – Describes the process of pilfering fecal matter from public restrooms. This act is generally perpetrated by the quarterbacks of opposing football teams.

Turkey Baster – The alleged father of the children of Jodie Foster, Melissa Etheridge, and others.

Turtleneck – Metaphor for an uncircumcised penis, most noticeable prior to full erection. For instance: “He’s still got his turtleneck on.”

Twelfth Lion, The – Show co-producer Mike Wolters, who is a friend of virtually everyone within the Detroit Lion’s organization, and is considered to be the ultimate expert on all Detroit Lions related issues.

Twenty Questions – Game in which several listeners call in and are conferenced together. Each is then allowed to ask one yes or no question until one of them is able to correctly guess the name of an unidentified celebrity. Despite explicit instructions, the callers usually ask questions that cannot be answered with a yes or a no, make guesses that are in conflict with answers already given, and basically just embarrass themselves intellectually.

Uncle Bob – The possibly fabricated uncle of Bruce Hornsby’s children. See also “Hey kids, doesn’t that guy look like uncle Bob?”

Under Suspicion – Label applied to anyone that is behaving in a manner thought to put their sexual orientation in doubt. For example: Mike Clark going to see “Lord of the Dance” put him “Under Suspicion”.

Upskirting – Describes the practice of using hidden cameras to surreptitiously record the pelvic region of unsuspecting females that are wearing skirts.

Valby, John – See “Dr. Dirty.”

Van Allen Radiation Belt – Section of radiation that lies between the Earth and the Moon that theoretically would prohibit a spacecraft from passing through. NASA officials were completely perplexed and unable to offer any rational explanation as to how a spacecraft was able to pass through and reach the Moon, leading Drew and Mike to conclude that the whole space program was actually a fraud that was filmed on a sound stage in the desert.

Vedman Man – Occasional guest on the show that is the personification of Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder. Best known for saying “man” after almost every sentence, man.

Venting the Seed Bag – Indelicate metaphor coined by Mike and used to describe the male orgasm. Also “Jettisoning the Pollen.”

Very Nice – Describes various degrees of splendor that are differentiated by pronunciation. For instance:

• Ve-ry nice: Mild degree of appeal.

• VE – ry Nic-ah: Moderate degree of appeal

• VEEE – RRY NIZZZ-AHHH!: Absolutely stupendous.

Vomiting Cobra – Metaphor for an ejaculating penis, generally used by occasional Stump Howard guest Emo Fittipaldi

Wad Vac – Phrase that describes a sexually promiscuous female.

Wake and Bake – Describes the process of partaking in herbal refreshments immediately upon arising from slumber.

Wallet Sniffer – Describes an individual thought to seek out members of the opposite sex for purposes of financial remuneration only. Such individuals are virtually always women.

We Really Don’t Have Much Time, But… – A reverse-psychology ploy designed to convince various celebrities that they are not very important, but that Drew and Mike have nonetheless budgeted a minimal amount of time in order to speak to them. This subterfuge has proven remarkably effective, persuading such individuals to remain on the line whereas they would have hung up under other circumstance.

Weasel – Someone that attempts to use their wit and wiles to gain something.

Weather and Traffic Together – Absolutely forbidden on the show. These topics must be reported separately, the logic being that if you are in traffic, you already know the weather. Listeners are strongly encouraged to report violations of this rule.

Web Girls – Shameless and farsical attempt at letchery by Mike. While designed to convince females to transmit revealing photographs of themselves via email by offering false optimism regarding career advancement opportunities that might be related to such “exposure,” it usually quickly degenrates into pathetic begging by Mike as the targeted demographic fails to forward any such content.

What Rippling Muscles – Phrase uttered by allegedly homosexual oriental man in Bruce Lee movie. Frequently used to insinuate that some individual may be homosexual.

What? What? – Phrase used when pretending not to have information about a set of circumstances when clearly one is well informed.

Wheelhouse – Describes a topic or theme in which one purports to possess a skill, proclivity, or other interest. For instance, as Drew is known to be sexually attracted to obese females, it is observed that such whales are in his “wheelhouse.” Not necessarily correlated with one’s actual ability, as has been confirmed on multiple occasions of the Stump the Staff segment, specifically those involving the “Simpson’s” category. See “Stump the Staff.”

Where There’s a Chancre, There’s Pus – Another general rule of physics that has been defined on the show. See “If There’s a Hole, Something’s Going In It.”

Whew Mama Stinks! – Phrase initiated by a listener email which described an encounter with a rather aromatic and odiferous female. This one caught on rather quickly, and is used frequently in order to describe an unsanitary vaginal area.

Whiney, High Maintenance Listener – Listener thought to be asking for too much. Such listeners are also frequently weasels.

Who Am I? – Phrase first uttered by Johnny Cochran. Invoked on the Stump Howard show and any other time it’s deemed appropriate.

Who Am I Day – Friday. During the Stump Howard segment on Fridays only, callers must pretend to be the individual that is the answer to the question.

Who Cares? – Drew’s response to any trivia question in which he does not know the answer. Represents an attempt to disguise the fact that the answer is unknown and place the blame instead upon the caller for posing such a question.

Wiggied Out – Synonym for being overly tired, a phrase that began in 1995 with a phone call to sports writer Larry Wiggy. Larry had published a column that was deemed to be insulting to the Detroit Red Wings, and would not submit to an interview with Drew and Mike, supposedly because he was “too tired”. Also “Larry Wiggy Tired.”

Willis, Wesley – Deranged and demented individual from Chicago that records appalling, so-called “music” in which he basically just narrates a simplistic text over top of computer generated musical patterns that are all quite similar. He is an extremely large and imposing man that is known for head-butting people, especially if he has neglected to ingest his anti-psychotic medication. Song titles include “The Chicken Cow”, “O.J. Simpson”, and “Drew and Mike.” Major disappointment was incurred when it was realized that his “Drew and Mike” song was one of his worst.

Woodstock Bob – The ultimate on-the-road Woodstock correspondent, this gentleman phoned in frequent updates from the Woodstock 99 festival. Despite being a major stoner, he became known for his rather exceptional organizational talents; managing to barter for potable products, smuggle in and sell large quantities of beer, and schedule his daily activities in such a fashion as to permit him to be wherever he needed to be before others that may have delayed his progress. Has since been used as an on-the-road correspondent, offering live updates from the Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam and the Millennium Fire in North Carolina. Billed WRIF $900.00 for his cellular phone bill.

Worlds Away – Virtual world that was invaded by WRIF staff and listeners during the summer of 1998. Originally a quiet and peaceful area, it was overrun and left in ruins by the marauding hordes who crowded the bar, made sexually offensive gestures to the locals, rented apartments and didn’t pay rent, and just basically trashed the place.

Wristin’ It – Frequently referred to metaphor for male masturbation. Usually results in a “looper.”

Y Forum – Internet site where individuals can anonymously ask sensitive questions about race or sexual issues. Questions are occasionally presented on the show. While meant to be a legitimate attempt at education, it is sometimes the target of Clowns. See “Clowns”.

Y2K Police – Describes the efforts of Drew and Mikes to control a segment of the populace that are engaging in excessive hyperbole, distortions of reality, and excessive embellishment of concerns over the so called “Millennium Bug.” These individuals include a lady that was selling edible furniture in case no food was available, gun store owners that were using end-of-the-world types of advertising to promote their wares, and other such overly anxious individuals.

Yak’s Corner – Mike’s favorite section of the Detroit News. It is designed for children and features simplified explanations of news stories.

Yeah, Wella Wella Wa – This phrase originated with a live recording of Jimi Hendrix on the BBC, and is used to reference anything that it just too cool for other more customary forms of expression.

Yellow Sun Glasses – This represents yet another dispute about fashion trends. Mike offered the opinion that these accessories would become all the rage on the west coast, and then fade away into obscurity. Much to everyone’s horror, yellow sun glasses rapidly became popular all across the country.

Yodeling – Synonym for oral sex performed on a woman, usually by another woman.

You Drank A Lot – Audio clip used to insinuate that an individual is or was intoxicated.

You-Rhine – The only correct pronunciation of the word “urine.” Stems from a sound bite taken from a Detroit city councilman who used this particular articulation of the word.

You Say It, And I Know It – Mike’s general excuse for not knowing the answer to a trivia question. Basically represents an attempt to act as though he really knew the answer but just couldn’t think of it at the time, when in reality he had absolutely no clue.

Zane, Eric – Guest host while Drew was off having surgery. While there was much negative feedback initially to Drew’s absence, it quickly subsided and it is generally accepted that Eric did an admirable job under rather difficult circumstances.

Zinc Cadmium Sulfide – A chemical element that was allegedly sprayed over the city of Royal Oak during the 1970’s. This is the often cited excuse for Mike’s frequently unruly behavior.

Zip – Drew’s original co-host. Left the show due to personal problems after only a few weeks.

Zodicat, Dr. – An allegedly psychic cat that is said to articulate its predictions and premonitions through its owner, who then re-states them in English for the human audience. The cat is the author of “Zodicat Speaks”, and is said to comment on a variety of subjects ranging from the weather to sporting events.

Zoophilia – The medical term for people that prefer sexual activity with animals. This is a common topic on the show, and is generally referred to whenever circumstance allows. See “Bestiality.”

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